Forgiveness Friday: Feeling Forgotten

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Some days, we just feel forgotten.

It’s like, we try and we try, we reach out, some us try to “sell whatever it is we’re trying to sell,” make connections with family, or even just…. find someone, ANYone, to be excited about what WE are excited about.  Or, find someone, ANYONE, who just “gets it” in regards to not only our passions, but our sufferings as well…

Ever feel like that?

Ever feel like shouting to the world: COME ON, PEOPLE!!!!! Can’t you see that ‘my idea’ is so awesome?!  Can’t you see that I’m suffering?  Can’t you see that there’s this huge background reason for why I act like I do?

Ever feel like just shouting to the sancti-mommies and lovey dovey couples and the endless barrage of “my life is perfect so buy my product and be beautiful like me” people and the “it’s all in your attitude” people: “LOOK. I’m not making kale smoothies and my kids might be surviving on generic honey rice chex cereal and corn dogs mixed with their own boogers, and occasionally I shout from the top of the stairs for some kid to put on pants; and LOOK, my spouse is far from perfect, and so am I, and we have some ‘discussions’ that go from irritation to full-on anger to feeling like giving up to silence to desperate prayer to forgiveness, and everything in between;  and LOOK… some of you are only ‘friends’ with me because you want to sell me something, and I can see right through your pretending to be rich from whatever network thing you’re doing, or your spider-long eyelashes (#nofilter!) ; and LOOK, some (or many) of my so-called negative thoughts are NOT all in my head, and it’s just that I’m human and honest and my cross is real….

And here I sit. Sad. Because a “cross-less life” is not the Gospel.  And many, too many, want to pretend that it is.

I sit without makeup (um, who has time?), as a broken person married to another broken person, worried for the world and the violence that is all too common these days…. I sit with my head still not buried in the sand, still unable to buy the lies of the world, still unable to pretend that my faith is limited to a ‘positive or apathetic attitude’ at all times, still failing half the time at being the perfect mom and perfect spouse… or not even coming close…

But in admitting all that, I oftentimes feel alone.  I feel forgotten.

No one wants to hear a sob story.  Few were even curious about what Christ was up to on Good Friday.  And when I say “few,” I don’t mean the Romans… I mean His loved ones… Family, cousins, towns people, even people He cured… Were they all there, supporting Him on His mission?  Were they helping Him carry His cross?  Or did the Romans have to force a random stranger, Simon of Cyrene, to help Him?  Where was Peter?

“My God, my God, why have you abandoned me….” It’s a guttural cry, from the soul…

It’s real.

Some days, I want to say to my loved ones, why do you forget me?  Spouse, why do you forget me?  Family, why do you forget me?  Friends whom I have given my all to in the past, why do you not care about me as a person, but only want to sell your wares to me?  Why do you hide from me, slapping a yellow smiley face sticker on your darkened situation?  Why are so few of you truly curious about my life and my heart, and even more, what makes you think I’m not curious about the REAL you?!

Perhaps it’s because we, unlike Christ, are all flawed.  And perhaps, this is why today, Good Friday, is so…. good.  He forgives and redeems us.  And by setting this example, we, too, can forgive each other, and heal…

And so, I forgive you, my loved ones, for acting like we were all in some sort of a fancy Shakespearean Catholic play and bragging about how you (and your darling spouse and amazing children) are more special than the rest of us because you are so pure and devoted…. I forgive you, my loved ones, for your blatant lack of curiosity about my and my family’s life when I have reached out to you in charity for years.  I forgive you, my loved ones, for falling in love with the idea of Catholicism and family and vocations and “Theology of the Body,” but not being able to embrace the real thing when it showed its more “cross-like” side.  I forgive all those who accused me of not being “prudent,” forgetting that the first disciples weren’t all that “prudent” themselves, dropping their nets when they had families at home, and then following a guy who was going to invite them to martyrdom.

I forgive you….

…because Christ forgave me first, with such Mercy, when I have sinned so greatly against Him and against you, my loved ones…

And I ask for your forgiveness.  Please forgive me for my pride… My wanting you to be totally “into me” and whatever the heck God was and is calling me to do.  Please forgive me for forgetting you at times and not giving more than I could have given to you.  Please forgive me for my anger at life circumstances that can seep through at times (because truly, I have #nofilter ;))…. Most of all, I ask you to forgive me for my desire to be served and noticed, rather than to serve, as Christ did, and does…..

I pray that you have a most Blessed Holy Triduum, and a joyful, LIFE-filled Easter (Pascha!)

With all my heart,

shalimamma

PS. Seeing as this is the Year of Mercy, this is a great time to forgive those who have hurt us, and show mercy, as it’s been shown to us…. If you would like to share a forgiveness story, please contact me or comment below!  It’s very healing 🙂

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One thought on “Forgiveness Friday: Feeling Forgotten

  1. I got so teary-eyed reading this. You have a delightfully “real” way of communicating that is so attractive–I love the honest, genuine authenticity. And I could go on and on about Good Friday–I would have been such a mess, had I been there then; because I know I’m no smarter or more insightful than the others who were confused about what Jesus was trying to prepare them for.

    You have a beautiful blog–I LOVE the header image, so full of light and hope and JOY. God bless you abundantly!

    PS– I’m not Catholic, so from time to time I might ask curious questions. My beloved cousin is a devout Catholic–we never fuss about doctrinal differences, just focus on the Love of God 🙂

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