“Dear Person I Used to Pour My Heart Out To,
I really still care about you and think about you all the time… I know you have let go of our friendship and constantly ignore my offerings of love, but I just can’t stand not reaching out to you… I mean, shouldn’t I be loving and all?……”
– Delete. –
“Dear Family Member,
You have been exhibiting this certain behavior for 300 years now and it is driving me crazy. I mean, why does the world always have to revolve around you? Can’t you see that you are not sympathizing with me, but are acting self-centered after all these years, even while you are trying to be holy?……”
– Delete. –
“Dear Freaky Mean Culty Person,
You know, I keep being nice. Nice nice nice nice. Loving loving loving loving. And you keep doing these little manipulative things to torture me in some way. Do you think I don’t have a heart? Even when I walked away, finally, you continue to torture me and try to trap me into some behavior to ‘trip me up’ by sending me a note which you don’t intend to answer when I write you back… and I want to take the bait because I love deeply… but you are manipulative and caught in some weird thinking that doesn’t involve charity…”…
– Delete. –
You see, I am just so irritated about our situation. I never feel as if we have enough money, or that I have enough time with you, and I really think you deserve a raise, and we should spend more time together… blah blah blah blah blah…”…
– DELETE! –
Ah.. that felt good! And it never left my “Draft” folder…
This, my friend, is my new therapy: Draft Deleting!
You see, I have a funnel running from my brain and heart right to my mouth, without a filter, and used to think I needed to communicate whatever came out of there… and sometimes even when I didn’t want to communicate it, it still popped out! And, I discovered that I not only had a funnel to my mouth, I had one to my fingers on my laptop keyboard as well. So I used to write what I was really feeling or thinking at the time… to my hubby, my friends, my ‘enemies’… whomever.
Many times, I was justified in what I wrote. In recent years, I have taken up the policy to write only what I would also say to someone’s face. People get bold on the internet, like a tiny woman behind the wheel of a semi, and say things they might not have half the courage to say if the same person was standing right there in front of them. In fact, most people would probably give a nice fake smile to someone they hate. I think the internet might be a lot more tame if people had to embarrass themselves in person. But no, they remain anonymous and say whatever they want with no accountability… I never wanted to do that. So if you see it in writing, I would say it, too…
But even with that policy, I realized I needed to take this a step further. What if I were courageous enough to say how was I was really thinking, but I was being called to something even higher… patience?
Sorry, that word felt weird to type and even my fingers cringed at the word ‘patience.’ What about silence? Temperance? Charity when being treated unjustly? What about NOT writing that big letter to someone important exposing someone else’s tragic flaws? What about being… MERCIFUL?
I want to right the world. I want to get on my soap box and tell everyone the truth, to make everything right, to reveal everything that is really going on, to work on every problem or conflict…
But who am I ??
What am I NOT seeing, which if I did, would stop me in an instant from writing that nice piece of advice to So-and-So-Who-Needs-to-Do-Things-My-Way-Because-They-Are-Ignorant??
Maybe I am not seeing the ‘plank in my own eye.’
Or maybe, that ‘former friend’ is suffering deep depression and is in much more pain than I am. Maybe that family member knows their flaw but still deeply loves me and would give their life for me. Maybe that cruel person who taunts or tries to manipulate me is being beaten by their spouse and doesn’t know a healthy relationship from a hole in the ground. Maybe she is incredibly lonely… more than I can imagine.
Maybe, they are all closer to God than I am.
So it just so happens, I wrote one of my “Deletable Drafts” this morning. (I never put in the actual “Send to” email address just in case some kid finds my iPhone and accidentally pushes “send”… ;)) I told it like it is. I laid it all on the line. I was telling someone I love that I can’t take anymore of their irritating behavior, and I don’t have to anymore anyway. I challenged them to greater holiness (you can insert a chuckle here)… Ha!
And I pushed Delete.
And it’s a good thing I did. I felt better… and right after I had deleted it, they randomly called me to say they loved me.
My feelings were and are legitimate. They need to come out in some way so that I don’t hold grudges or become bitter or depressed. So it’s good to write as if I am talking to them. Even a hundred times if I need to. But I need to be cautious about sending my message… Is it for my own venting? Or is it really an inspired note? Besides, I don’t know the whole picture of what is going on in that person’s life… Only God does.
And His 2 X 4’s are much better than mine (and He is perfect.)