OK, I found this article today and I am crying I am laughing so hard… Simcha Fisher is just plain hilarious and tells it like it is, which I love.
I must admit, it was slightly difficult for me, for a few moments this morning, to observe all the gushy sweet sentiments from those ‘perfect Valentine couples’ on Facebook, well-behaved children cooking dinner dates for their in-love parents, tons of little heart symbols and thank you’s and dinners out and desserts…. AGGHHH!!!!
Ok, if you’re single, you might be asking me right now, what’s YOUR problem, shalimamma?!?! You’re married! Shut up!
Fair enough. But last night I was unusually tired, with unusually huge bags under my eyes, hubby got home very late, and I felt almost spiteful as I stirred my late-night dinner of noodles by myself in the ugliest sweats in the world as hubby walked in the door…
But… he had gone to Walmart for me. And he did give me a kiss and hug, (and didn’t reel back in sheer horror) when I was afraid to walk past any mirror in the house. I felt as ugly inside as on the outside. But he seemed oblivious to any of that, and completely un-irritated after a long gruelling shopping trip that no one wants to do, and after he had worked a 10 hour day.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, THAT is love. Corey the Sailor, you are the best.
So on to Simcha’s article… I even copied and pasted it for you so you don’t even have to click on a link, because this is a MUST READ!!!! Happy Valentine’s Day (one day late)… and, enjoy!
How To Date Your Wife
Tuesday, February 14, 2012 7:00 AM Comments (38)
Oh, aren’t I lucky? Last year, I got to write a post on Good Friday. This year, it’s Valentine’s Day. Different decor, same general atmosphere: suffering and tears, remorse and reparations. At least on Good Friday, you don’t have a bunch of single people watching you suffer and saying, “Oh my gosh, you’re so lucky!”
Cream of tartar! Semiconductors! Onomatopoeia! Gerbil bedding! Notary public! Joint compound! Abstract expressionism! Borscht!
That was me, trying to think of something, anything, to write about other than Valentine’s Day. What do I know about Valentine’s Day, anyway? It’s taken me most of my married life to admit that there’s not really anything wrong with women who like flowers, and it’s taken me another full year to admit that I’m actually one of them.
And yet here we are.
Well, from my meager mental resources, by which I mean that I just made 84 cupcakes, each with its own Froot By the Foot rosebud and I’m kind of tired and possibly a little bit drunk on icing, I can offer you this:
FIVE TIPS ON HOW TO DATE YOUR WIFE
1. Practice your pick up lines.
But I’m already married! Why in the name of Cryil and Methodius do I have to worry about pick up lines? you may ask yourself. And then you may make some stupid joke about how you won’t be picking up your wife any time soon because your insurance doesn’t cover hernia surgery, and so on. This is the wrong route to take.
What your wife wants to hear is something that shows that you don’t take her for granted—something that invites her to look at you with new eyes, rather than assuming she might as well have a paper bag over her head, as long as all the rest of the parts are in the right place.
Try something with equal parts romance and danger, such as, “Hey, baby, I’m feeling very . . . open to life tonight.” It’s possible that she will pick up the first heavy object available and try to bash your head in with it, but at least you will get a reaction, which means you’re halfway there.
2. Compliment her looks.
If a woman is home with a bunch of kids all day long, she knows that if she steps out of the house, all the men on the street are going to see one thing: a mess. A saggy-bellied, baggy-eyed, slump-shouldered, spit up-caked, used-up, milk-smelling, mom-haired mess.
What you need to do to win her heart and put a spring back into her step is to let her know that you don’t see her that way. You know her heart, and you see the grace and loveliness that will always be there. So you can try something like, “Have I told you how nice your abdominal muscles look, all separated like that?” or “I think women with one shoulder that’s lower than the other one are the sexiest ones in the world, don’t you?”
3. Spend lavishly.
Show her you think she’s worth it. Take my word for it, she’ll know she’s dealing with a prince among men when she sees you lay that money down. “Darlin’,” you can say with youthful impetuousness, “let’s go ahead and pay the electric bill on time this month—how’d that be? Sky’s the limit, or up until 40 kilowatt hours, whichever comes first” Swoon!
4. Ply her with cocktails.
Okay, you may actually have to slow her down on this one. It could be cute to offer little jests such as, “Slow down, little girl—that’s no shirley temple!” Then you can have a good laugh, as long as it doesn’t interfere with you getting Mama some more ice.
5. Heat things up with an intimate shower.
And by intimate, I mean just her. She hasn’t washed her hair in, like, five weeks, and she doesn’t even get to check on how her mustache is coming along without answering a lot of stupid questions. Stand in front of the door with a rifle, if necessary, but DO NOT LET ANYONE ELSE IN THE BATHROOM. Remember: 40 kilowatt hours. You promised.
Gentlemen, you can thank me later. Right after you go get Mama some more ice.