“The Vessel We Are Meant to Be”: Thoughts by Hiland Rose on Healthy Friendships

I’d like to share a little something I have learned in my short sojourn into real holy friendships. (Shalimamma, you have the honor of being the first :))

The tendencies you both speak of resemble closely what my husband has dubbed, “victim personalities”  I don’t say this to be mean or in judgement, I too have them..

It is a tendency to twist self hatred into an act of sacrifice… “If I really love someone I put up with what ever they dish out”…then it moves to fear of leaving because you feel like nothing on your own… I stated before I have been close with abused women…

The Cult Like Thinking Mentality that is being exposed here is rooted in this… Women are more easily swayed by this because we have this God given desire to give ourselves completely… Satan exploits this and it is exascerbated by biological factors, specifically depression.  You were created for joy, for love and to find you’re fulfillment in God by loving others as he loves you, but also to love yourself as the woman He created. If you are finding yourself constantly in relationships where this is not being satisfied, there may be something missing, something you will need to pray for the wisdom to see.  A good spiritual director or trusted priest might be able to help you explore that.  If necessary you may need the help of a psychologist or councelor.  There is no shame in that, biology and chemistry are inventions of God too.

Shal, you mentioned Exhibit C’s tendancy to be a transmitter without being able to receive anything, a point eloquently proven by her own words… The flip side is a tendency to accept abuse under the mindset that one is acting in love, while in reality one is afraid or too miserable to see past the situation while giving everything in the relationship to someone who can’t appreciate it save when it serves their purposes or selfish needs.  There is a biblical phrase uttered by the lips of Our Lord,  “Do not cast your Pearls before Swine…”   this was in reference to wisdom given but not accepted, but it applies to your intentions in a relationship too.

I have been there… I watched a friend nearly die for her unwillingness to leave a very abusive relationship.

God did not make you to be a punching bag, or a garbage can…

He made you a vessel filled with his love and admiration, joy and beauty.  Surround yourselves with those who truly love you and don’t hang on to poison…  It is hard to stand alone, but you really aren’t alone.  God seems to hide his face sometimes but he is always there.  Sometimes he allows suffering in order for us to better understand the weaknesses of those we have around us.  Forgiveness, and love don’t mean you have to go backwards, that you have to maintain a toxic realtionship or continue to take poor treatment by someone who can’t love you. Forgiveness acknowleges the wrong doing but moves on, we can’t do it by ourselves, it comes through the Grace of God.  It happens more than once too…sometimes it is a conscious and daily prayer.

Missy I will pray that someone comes to you that will love you as the beautiful and deep person I can see that you are… everyone needs a friend like that.  Don’t waste your time in circles where you are being kicked around, if it’s coming from family, well that’s harder and I can speak from experience on that… I will pray for you.  Please pray for me too.. I still struggle with that one too…

Take care now.

Hiland Rose

5 thoughts on ““The Vessel We Are Meant to Be”: Thoughts by Hiland Rose on Healthy Friendships

  1. Thank you…a book that helped me understand victim relationships was CODEPENTDENT NO MORE by Melanie Beattie. I have not been cured. I did not even read the whole book. I was afraid of keeping it too long because a boss with whom I was in a toxic relationship had lent it too me. ;D Anyway, it was one of those painful and yet hilarious reads, where someone put into words my own weakness so accurately, I could only laugh and forgive myself. “We’re all in the same boat. And everyone is seasick.” – GK Chesterton


    1. JFK, you are so funny!!!!! I really need to get this book… I am forming a list of books I ‘need to read’… now I just need time! Thank you for posting this here, because I forgot the title of that book… and I am totally using that quote from GKC on facebook 😉 Love ya, man!!!!!


  2. Hiland Rose, you gave me such a wonderful segway into the final postings of my ‘story’… You worded all of this so well, and I am so thankful for all your beautiful thoughts! Love, shalimamma


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