My dear fellow fabulous faithful friends,
I believe, as we begin the New Year, it is time for me to come clean and reveal the truth about myself, as well as my family. There has been a lot of hearsay, and much of it has come back to us. In fairness, you do have reason to worry, as I have not been completely honest with you. In fact, the rumors you hear are much more tame than the real, cold, hard truth.
The truth is, my friends, that I have been admitting to fake sins. I am not and have never been impatient with my children. I have much graver sins. And I believe I should make a public confession. As some of you have noted, I am a liar and a betrayer. Yes, my friends, it is true. I will outline the ways that I have lied, so that we can clear up all those rumors which are so much tamer than the real truth. And I will also humbly apologize, as per the proper rules of etiquette. I implore you to please forward this letter to anyone you deem important, but only after you have had it notarized and properly filed with the Secretary of State and all three credit bureaus.
1. My last name is not really Masters. It is Bachelors. I apologize that I tried to make myself appear more educated.
2. My children are actually well-behaved. Yes, my friends, we PRETENDED to have unruly (a.k.a. ‘wild’) children so that we could blend in with the rest of you. We didn’t want to embarrass anyone just because we have much more culture than everyone else. We were trying to be charitable, and sometimes would even pinch our children to make them cry, and make them appear “not-from-the-dirty-boon-docks” and “normal.” I apologize for this deception.
3. The prayer book I carried around actually contained only pictures. No, my friends, I am afraid that I don’t know the full extent of the Latin prayers like the rest of you and cannot measure up (please see #1 about my education.)
4. We only pretended to milk 9 goats in the morning. We don’t even have goats. We hate goats. We don’t even have a farm. We were just making an excuse for showing up late at gatherings.
5. Ah, the rumors about reporting to a “superior”… Yes… you see, I lied there, too. In fact, the tattling has only been done TO me, as I do not know how to tattle, nor do I have time to tattle, and the last time I tattled was when I was 13. But all the rumors and reporting about our family has made our otherwise boring life rather exciting. Plus, I rather enjoyed being in a junior highschool clique of cheerleaders, and it has been wonderful getting to relive this experience. (Does my hair look OK?)
6. I did invent the internet, and I also contributed to Global Warming. Yes, it is true. But I have made up my mind to use less aerosol hairspray and try to stop throwing out so many disposable diapers. I apologize for this harm I have done to the Earth. In fact, my mistake had made even our small group feel stuffy and a bit too hot at times.
7. Did you hear the one about how we ‘breed like rabbits’? Yes, that one was announced at a public gathering, I believe… Well, we started that rumor. I am so sorry, but we lied there, too. You see, we do not and have never bred like rabbits. We breed like a bored, in-love married couple out in the secluded country during a blizzard whilst listening to Theology of the Body tapes. Sorry, I didn’t mean to scandalize you with the word… “blizzard.”
8. I lied in my appearance. Yes, my friends, I am afraid I do have fake implants. These are not my real eyes. The real truth? Oh, it is so hard to admit this… but… these are human eyes. Tragically, I was born, by some freak of nature, with red snake eyes. My parents quickly had the implant surgery done, because they didn’t want anyone to see the true motives of my heart. Interestingly, though, it seems that some of you have had an uncanny ability to still be able to tell exactly what is going ON my heart… oh my, this is intimidating and kind of blew the lid off my whole ‘green eye’ thing. Well, I suppose that is why I am coming clean here… I am so sorry…
9. I am not that innocent. That’s right, I have pretended all along that I didn’t know I was being watched. I taped that little circle thingie on my computer out of paranoia. And took apart all my smoke alarms. My biggest tip off was when I discovered that everywhere we drove, there was a little red dot on my chest. To be sure, this gave me the goosebumps. But I enjoyed your company so much that I didn’t let on that I noticed. I am sorry I wasn’t more… uh… transparent.
10. I believe that there is more than one way to skin a cat. Yes, I am sorry, but I have been pretending that there is only ONE way, in ONE place, with ONE group, with ONE leader telling you how to do it. But the truth is, I was in nursing school (another secret I kept from you) and we all disected cats, a huge class of us, and each of us did it a different way. Boy, it feels good to get that off my chest and admit it…
11. And the last lie that you may have heard, is that “I am an evil transformer trying to destroy the whole entire church by writing letters and turning friends against friends”…. Ahhhh… I am so sorry, but I made that one up too. You see, someone else is trying to destroy the church from within (his name is Satan, have you heard of him? Well, now you know!), but I didn’t want to let on that it wasn’t us, that we are free, and that we are happy. We felt that letting on these things might inspire envy and the over-selling of natural gluten-free anti-depressants on eBay.
12. If you find you are unable to smile at this writing without express permission from “your leader friend”, you are exactly who I wrote my series for! Congratulations! I love you, forgive you, and I can see you through your computer camera. 😉