‘A Thousand Times’

For the past week, I have shared with you some thoughts on my leaving an organization called Regnum Christi two years ago. It took me some time to work through my thoughts (especially since there were a bunch of other crazy things going on in our lives!), to reach a place where I could be sure my thoughts were rational (at least about RC) and not based simply on hurt or anger.

I am actually more of a poet then an author… I surprised myself when I started blogging, but I just went with it, because not everything comes out in a deep poem… but last night, I felt inspired to put my thoughts about RC into a poem, as I have done with anything in my life that deeply affected me.  This poem embodies what I experienced shortly after I left, but hadn’t articulated yet until recently.

It is called “A Thousand Times.” For those who were in RC, you may remember the stations of the cross that Fr. Maciel claimed to have written. Now we know he may not have written those thoughts anyway… however, one sentence from those stations always stuck with me: “It matters not if we fall a thousand times, as long as we love the fight and not the fall.” I find this sentence ironic, now looking back on everything, and in a way, this sentence has haunted me. It is from these words that a poem sprung from my heart:

Why does it hurt so much?

If I were holy
healthy
balanced
joyful…
wouldn’t I just move on
serenely
steadily…
praying for him?

Couldn’t I say
like others
‘this is a great testimony
to how God works through sinners’?

Why does it hurt?

Could it be that…

I am afraid of myself
how far I could fall
even if I were surrounded by holy people
doing all the right religious practices…?

Not ‘how much can God do with sin’
but ‘how sinful can a Godly person become’?

I know myself
my great weakness
but my hopes
that I could be holy and

still ‘fall a thousand times’
have been challenged
mocked
a cruel smirk
an echoing taunt:

‘You will fall
You did before…
It’s all a joke
It is unattainable
Your conversion: weak
You foolish sheep
Look what you believed…’

Yes, I grieve
for buried hopes
betrayal

but then I realize
there is only one Hope
one Truth
and He alone is who I follow
imitate
and trust that He will save me
or indeed,
I would fall a thousand times
and be lost.

“A thousand times” written by Shalimar Masters
April 18, 2010

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3 thoughts on “‘A Thousand Times’

  1. Only God is God. We can never forget that. Or if we do, we are always brought back to God because of the betrayals. Luther said that God had two hands, the one that brings low, and the one that brings us back to him. Sometimes he needs to use the hand that brings us low so that we agree to allow him to use the hand that brings us back to him.

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