In an attempt to soothe the pain, I visited my boyfriend at college, but things weren’t the same. He was in a new life now, a new city, and loving his new world. Of course he missed me, and we spent as much time as possible together, but something still wasn’t the same. Our lives didn’t seem like they went together anymore. And deep in my heart, I knew he wasn’t “The One”, but I was still very much addicted to him, and he was still addicted to me.
I tried in vain to build meaningless relationships with other men back at home, but all of it was empty and left me feeling worse. I only really wanted to be with my boyfriend, even if he didn’t want to be married.
One night, I was awakened from deep sleep and sat straight up in my bed. I heard these words:
“If you die right now, you will go to hell.”
I was absolutely terrified. I got down on my knees and sobbed, and began to pray like I hadn’t for a long time… I told God that I wanted to be free, but that I couldn’t free myself. He would have to do it. Until then, I would have to remain on the track I was on. I wrote this in a tiny note and taped it behind a crucifix which I still had hanging in my room. It would be up to Him.
I did continue in my immoral behaviors, but something was starting to change. The emptiness all around me became apparent, and I started to become repulsed by it. And slowly, I started to become attracted to my own family again. I began talking with them more, going for walks with my sister, and going to Mass and receiving the sacraments. I would still fall many times in between, but the urging to ‘come back’ started to grow. My boyfriend started to become less attractive to me, and I saw that whenever I was in a church, the thought of him would be like an uncomfortable electric shock, like it was forbidden, and God knew it, and I knew it.
A thought started to grow in me, or a knowledge, that I should leave England. Of course, I still didn’t know what “I wanted to do with my life”… but the ‘missionary’ idea was still in my head, and so I looked at various mission sites. At the same time, I had applied to a college in Oxford to go to midwifery school, just in case I wasn’t supposed to leave England, and so that I would be on the same career track as my boyfriend.
It was only a matter of weeks until a battle began for my soul, and it would become apparent who would win…
…to be continued…