I moved out of my family’s home, and was excited to start my new life on my own. I rented a room in a small house, but really had use of the whole house as the landlord was never there.
And so I lived it up. I could have as many parties as I wanted, and could live with my boyfriend if I wanted… I could do ANYthing… the freedom was intoxicating.
I felt invincible, which is common when we are young…
Soon, however, the intoxicating and beautiful red carpet lined with flowers began to grow darker and fade to black, while twisted thorny vines began to entangle me.
At some point, the slippery slope led my physical relationship with my boyfriend to becoming an all out addiction for both of us, and eventually led to a union against my will. I do not in my heart blame my boyfriend for this, as by my ‘almost going all the way’ actions, I was encouraging him. Nevertheless, the shame and guilt were unbearable, and led to my ‘giving up’ on the whole moral front. So I let loose and lost all inhibition, sinking further and further into all sorts of addictions. There was no one to stop me.
There were times I would set foot in the little church in Bicester, but the guilt I felt and the resounding “NO!” I could feel coming from the altar or the air or wherever, with every fiber of my being, was enough for me to give up on the Catholic front, too, even though I still always had an affection for the Church. I wanted to MAKE this boyfriend right, and my lifestyle right… but God didn’t seem to agree. And my boyfriend didn’t like God or His affect over me, and discouraged my faith.
And so I thought, well, I’m taken care of, right? I’ve got a whole new family! And life feels good… doesn’t it?
But then, my boyfriend’s family started to lose interest in me.
They wanted him to go to medical school, and saw that our relationship was such that he may have made a rash decision to not go away to university, all because he didn’t want to be away from me. And so they started to turn on me.
He and I still clung together, meeting in parking lots and at my home, but now his family was forbidding the relationship, and we saw the inevitable future: that we would have to be separated.
The time drew near for him to go away to medical school, and I felt like my very heart was being ripped out. The pain was so deeply intense, because I didn’t have God to go to with my problems (or so I thought), or my family. It was raw, worldly, meaningless pain.
When he left, I went into a deep depression, and looked for anything to soothe it. And so I turned to more ‘wolves’, more clubs, bad friends, and a life that was quickly leading to death, either by drunkenness or bad choices in ‘company’…
…to be continued…