I’m going to take a break from the “Hard Battle” history story and skip ahead to today.
Today, I am feeling lonely, just like I did that day in seventh grade (which I didn’t explain yet) but I know the feeling of loneliness is universal, and appears all throughout life, whether we are a teenager, or a child, or an elderly person living on our own, or a 30-something adult like myself.
Of course, it’s ridiculous that I should feel lonely. I have 6 little ones (‘littles’) 9 and under, and enough pets and animals to open up a zoo, all who give me regular ‘attention,’ whether I like it or not. And of course, I have a loving, committed husband working hard to provide… although sometimes I will admit that he doesn’t altogether dispel the feeling of loneliness, if you know what I mean.
I think loneliness is a human condition, a result of original sin, our longing to be filled by the one true God… a hole that won’t be quite repaired until we are in His presence. Now, I am not a theologian or some brilliant psychiatrist or anything… these are just my thoughts. This is just what I am feeling, on this particular night in September, just after the sun has set, as I wait the long hours for my husband to return home late, like he normally does.
I have an overwhelming sense that I am ‘on my own’… that no one quite relates with me, that my passion for life is solitary. I know these feelings are not true, as I have been blessed with some amazing and beautiful friends and family. But they feel real.
Perhaps this feeling was brought about by rejection from someone I thought would agree with me. Someone who didn’t answer my cries for wanting to relate, for wanting to be a friend… and then my hubby, coming home later without a seeming urge to get home quickly, kind of added to this. Why would she not rush to answer my emails? Why would he not rush home because he was pining away for me all day?
Perhaps the root of these feelings is simply pride… wanting to be desired, wanting to be preferred, wanting everyone to think I’m just the best thing since sliced bread… or, maybe they’re just a bunch of hormones swimming around and I need to go have a cup of tea and close my mouth. (Not likely… that I would close my mouth, that is.)
What is interesting about lonliness is its universality. Rich people are lonely. Poor people are lonely. Elderly people and young people are lonely. People who are single and want to be married are lonely. And married people, like myself, who seemingly have no reason to be lonely, are lonely.
I have wondered if this is one of the greatest ‘attacks’… to think that we are all alone, that no one really cares.
And if it is, then I need to pray against it. And remember my blessings.
Tomorrow will be a better day…