Immaculate Conception… The Truth Revealed
21 Mar 2012 1 Comment
in "From Cult-like Thinking to Freedom in Friendship": My Story, Everyday Victories and Random Thoughts
(To go to the beginning of this series and find out how it all began, please click here.)
I have never been one of those naturally “Marian” people.
You know, the kind of soft-spoken woman who is humble, obedient to her husband, sweet to her children with many “pleases” as she makes requests of them, says rosaries all the time, has a nice big miraculous medal necklace, refers to “The Blessed Mother” frequently, easily believes in apparitions, has that solemn yet resolved-to-be-joyful look…
Let’s see… I am naturally LOUD (part Italian, of course), love fired-up arguments with my hubby just for fun, make demands of my children like a drill sergeant and then have to add a please 30 seconds later because I just remembered that maybe I shouldn’t sound like a drill sergeant, prefer stylish jewelry that matches my outfit instead of the same old miraculous medal all the time (although now I am wearing the same old St. Benedict medal because I figured I needed the exorcism prayers to keep the enemy away, or something like that), am naturally very skeptical about any apparitions, and when I talk about ‘the Blessed Mother’ my voice gets nasally and strained because I am trying to sound Catholic.
Nevermind that all our girls (4 of them now) have Marian names. I love Our Lady Mary. I know with my mind just how much she has looked out for me, just how much of a gentle mother she has been, and how she looked out for my extended family as well as my immediate family. To my Protestant friends this will sound weird. It does to me, too… but it’s just a gut feeling… and I know that when I meet her some day in Heaven, I will be smitten.
But naturally, I avoid her.
So… she has decided to follow me around. Relentlessly.
It started with ‘family rosaries’ when I was a kid, resulting in a huge healing for myself (a story for another time on this blog 
) as well as the eventually turning of my dad’s heart toward Mary and the Church in a very real and genuine way. I have seen miracles.
I wasn’t necessarily looking for miracles, and like I said, I am the skeptical type. But way back when I was confirmed (by special permission) by our Franciscan pastor (God rest his soul), he gave me a keepsake statue of Our Lady of Lourdes. He had a special collection of statues, and he didn’t give them out. But he gave me one… and it was, after the family rosary, the beginning of Our Lady of Lourdes’ unusual part in my life.
Fast forward from my confirmation (when I was 13) all the way to when I was single, 18, and living in England. As you may have seen in my story “Relentless Pursuit” (found on the side bar if you’d like to see my conversion story), the Catholic Church my family attended in the small town of Bicester (pronounced “Bister”), England, was called Immaculate Conception. It was the only Catholic church in town. And when I turned from my wild, atheist ways after 3 years, I came back to this church and went to confession to the wonderful pastor named Fr. Aldo. He gently welcomed me back… no judgments, no harshness, just a warm welcome and help to come back and change my sinful ways.
After my time in England, I had a conversion experience where I truly accepted Jesus into my heart, and I moved to Florida to do mission work when I was 21. I had a fun yet tumultuous relationship with a particular young man who was also working and living in the mission. Neither of us could figure out why (because we were compatible and liked each other) but it seemed like for some reason we were not meant to be together. So after a heated argument and break up on a Sunday evening, I finally decided to go to daily Mass the next day for the first time in years during my lunch break. At that Mass, I finally put my dating life into God’s hands and said I was content to be alone if need be. At that Mass, there happened to be an attractive young sailor sitting toward the front of the church. I had had a blind date with this guy a couple of months earlier, but pretty much figured nothing would come of it… We crossed paths at the back of the church and he remembered me, and asked me out to lunch, which was our first real date. That, of course, was my now hubby Corey. The church’s name? Immaculate Conception.
Months later we married in this same church of Immaculate Conception. At the church of Immaculate Conception (cathedral, actually) in Jacksonville, Florida, I said my wedding vows and began a new life…
Corey and I wanted children right away. But a year later, Corey and I were still sadly experiencing infertility. We had tried ‘everything’ and it was determined that I didn’t produce enough progesterone. We begged God to give us a child, but month after month went by and we couldn’t conceive. We were deeply saddened. We happened upon a local parish Lenten mission where we met a dynamic and wonderful priest, named Fr. Ed. He took to us immediately, and invited us to a special retreat. He was a very talented speaker, and he was endowed with gifts of the Holy Spirit as well as a special love for young couples. From that retreat, he invited us to stay at the rectory and have a more private retreat at his parish. He took us in like a true father, and I experienced much healing from his prayers and words of affirmation. He prayed over Corey and I, that my womb would be opened, and that we would be healed… It wasn’t too many months later that we conceived our firstborn, our daughter Maryanna. The name of Fr. Ed’s parish? Immaculate Conception.
Fast forward to 2008. Corey and I had just had our 6th child, and we had just been through the traumatic experience of losing our businesses, needing to sell our home, and needing to move and find a new career. It was a dark year in our lives. We moved out to the country boondocks… and we felt lost parish-wise…
Until, a wonderful priest came to bless our home upon the invitation of some new friends of ours who lived close by. He took us in as spiritual children, and we experienced Mass like we had never experienced it before. It was the Traditional Latin Mass. The Mass felt transcendent and heavenly and focussed, and so different from what we were accustomed to. We felt that we had found our home.
For those of you that have read my most recent story, you will know some of the details of what we experienced in the last year we attended this parish. For a still unexplainable reason, we ended up being shunned from the parish, with the culmination happening publicly from a lay person in front of the other parishioners who claimed to represent the pastor. I have been careful not to share the details that involved clergy as I never want to put a priest or the priesthood in a negative light, especially given our society who does this all the time. Therefore, I will remain discreet about our “priest/parishioner” dynamics on this blog… But suffice it to say that we lost our relationship with him as well as some close friends who felt unsure of what to do when faced with slanderous hearsay about our family. I will pray for him for the rest of my life, as I believe there was a reason that God alone knows for what happened. It still remains very mysterious, with no apologies. I would ask everyone reading to keep these people (whom we still love) in your hearts and prayers, that they will be blessed and come to grow in truth and the freedom of peace and joy. And… this parish’s name? Immaculate Conception.
With this last one, I struggled with why we would be called to yet another “Immaculate Conception” church, but for the experience to end up as less than joyful… indeed, we have suffered greatly and needed healing to overcome some unhealthy thoughts and behaviors that had seeped into our heads… However, I believe this last parish has had just as much, if not a MORE pivotal effect on our lives than the other churches.
All four of the churches have been deeply tied to Corey’s and my vocation. The first one led me to reclaim my faith as a Catholic and move out of England to where I would meet Corey; the second one was where we began our courting relationship and where we were married; the third blessed us with the miracle of parenthood; and the fourth? Corey and I became a strong and unified couple in a way that had never before existed in our marriage. We were challenged, and Corey rose to manly leadership of our family. For me, I was humbled and shown that I was not at the level of charity that I needed to be… I felt elite, special, and somehow ‘better’ than those ‘unenlightened people’ who went to other churches. Not everyone in the Traditional Latin Mass holds this belief, and we know some incredible people who are Traditional… but many do, and I fell into it. The Latin Mass itself is perfect and beautiful. But there are many kinds of people attracted to it. Some are truly holy. And some (like myself) were going because we were not patient enough to wait for God Himself to transform the Universal Church to a reverent group of people.
I also found a new definition of reverence. While we should be reverent to Our Lord when we enter the church, we must also remember that He is present in a real way inside every human being. Are we not hypocrites when we reverence the Tabernacle, and yet hate (or are irreverent) to our neighbor? The two Greatest Commandments cannot be separated. They go together, and if we only follow one, then we aren’t truly living the other one…
This was my lesson. Love God above all things, be patient with imperfections in the church and in people, respect my husband as the leader of our home, realize that I am not any better than the people who clap after Mass (which does drive me crazy ) or the guy who wears overalls to Mass or the person who forgets to genuflect… I am just as much in need of mercy as they are, if not more. We truly are one body. This is not a watering down of faith and reverence. It is rather a patience in knowing things are not perfect in our churches, and some people do not realize still Who they are receiving when they go there. But for the record, just because people make the sign of the cross 15 times and genuflect and wear veils doesn’t necessarily mean their hearts are more in line with Christ than mine or others. In fact, we can’t judge any of that, or anyone… only ourselves, and since our experience I have focussed on myself much more and become much less judgmental. This was a grace, I believe, from being on the other end of things where people judged my heart’s motives, and that was a horrible experience… so why should I be doing that myself with anyone else?
I also learned forgiveness without resolution and reconciliation. Just to forgive, when people believe they can never contact us or answer our pleas to communicate. To forgive when a best friend publishes on my blog that she was glad I wasn’t there anymore because she didn’t have to clean up my children’s donut crumbs after Mass… to forgive when the situation isn’t ‘fixed’ but others are experiencing this treatment as well, and I watch how patient they are (much better examples than myself)… to forgive when my children lost their friends, and to have their letters (and my cards of friendship) ignored…
In truth, this last parish has been an amazing blessing to us. I have learned a level of love I didn’t have before: to love when it is unreturned with no excuse (as opposed to when someone has dementia, etc), when it is under the headline of ‘holy church’ with ‘holy people’ as opposed to a group of people who work at a fast food restaurant who don’t approve of us. It led us into a more “Interior Castle”… experiencing more of what Jesus went through, being rejected and betrayed by His own… His own best friends, His own Church, and turned over to the heathens.
And then what happened on the third day? The ultimate victory!
Corey and I have had resurrection! Yes, there was Calvary, and yes, sometimes the feelings come back, which is normal and over time those fade… But our lives have been changed. We have been blessed so abundantly since we lost a small group of ‘friends’ at a small parish, as well as one lone spiritual director… one out of many who have loved us and taken us in as spiritual children and fragile sheep. We have literally had Love itself poured out on us in the last eight months, our marriage has been transformed, we have discovered true friendship and what it looks like, I developed a new confidence in myself, I became healed of my migraines since I have found a new healthy supplement, our new business has launched, we had a new and beautiful healthy little baby girl, we see a new beauty in people and the wider church that we hadn’t noticed before when we had a more critical eye, and I have become much less critical in my daily life as far as criticizing others for their flaws, and I have become more confident and less fearful in speaking truth where necessary. I can see that Our Lord is blessing us abundantly in a way we would never have expected, as He always does…
And so, what have the words “Immaculate Conception” meant to us?
Those words represent the fact that Mary really is our mother, and she wants us to be joyful, at peace, and she wants the best for us, as all mothers want for their children. We have had an “Immaculate Conception” of healing and joy in our lives, as we live out our vocation of Holy Matrimony… This was not something we did on our own, with our own talents or intelligence… it was simply given, CONCEIVED, in our lives…
So maybe, just maybe, I AM becoming one of those Marian people.
But I’m still loud.
Love and blessings to you,
shalimamma
Forgiveness Is a Wonderful Thing…
13 Mar 2012 4 Comments
in "From Cult-like Thinking to Freedom in Friendship": My Story
As we are settling in with our new little munchkin, graces are still pouring in…
This last Sunday, we went to our local little country parish, the first place we took the baby after her birth. We were surrounded by so much love, considering we have only been really involved there for 5 or 6 months, that we felt we have found a new family. Of course, we know every parish has its little issues (we are just thankful to avoid the ones with BIG issues ) but we are enjoying this time of newness when we don’t know too much history about anyone or anything and can simply enjoy our Sundays as a family.
Also in this short time, I stumbled upon the realization that I have forgiven those who hurt us last year. A dear friend asked me if I was still hurt, and I realized I didn’t really have those emotions anymore! All I have left is a ‘feeling sorry’ for those who are still trapped in certain ways of thinking and behaving, and that some of those friends whom we had been close to are missing out on meeting our newest little one… I had wanted to share our joy with them, but none have asked or care, even the family that is Godparents to one of our children. I feel sorry that they didn’t get to experience the joy with us, when they had been with us during more than half of the pregnancy.
In truth, though, we ourselves are not missing out on anything, not even in the Mass, as I may have originally thought. We have been blessed beyond belief, which has given me the confidence that we made the right decision to let ourselves be freed of the cult-like/superior attitude, and that we are living within God’s Will, which is really all that matters. We feel at peace…
As I was talking to another friend about our experience, I realized that I had been very discreet on my blog in my story, and left out many of the details so as to protect people and because I was still healing. But as time goes by, the experience has become like pages in a history book, that I can look at as I would an interesting painting about the era of slavery. This is a wonderful feeling and blessing… and it comes from forgiveness.
The monk at the mall had told me (on that day before Ash Wednesday when I fell on the pavement before going into the mall) that if I prayed for the individual(s) who had hurt me, each day during Lent, that they would ‘grow in the way God wants them to grow’, I would discover that I have forgiven them rather quickly… he was right! I want to suggest this to you if there is anyone in your life who has hurt you… It works!
I mentioned in Mariella’s birth announcement that I would explain the meaning of “Immaculate Conception” in our lives… and so my next posting will be the story of just how many parishes we have gone to with this name, and how each one had a pivotal life-changing effect on us. The last one has been the most pivotal… more to come in the next posting… stay tuned!
Love,
shalimamma
“The Humble Babe’s Victory”
21 Jan 2012 2 Comments
in "From Cult-like Thinking to Freedom in Friendship": My Story, Little Toes and Big Tummies: All Things Baby
I know Christmas is over, but…
Is it? He is born, He is a humble Babe, and although He sits at the Right Hand of the Father in Glory, He still reminds us every year of how He chose to come among us. And isn’t He always being born anew in our hearts?
My little series on love and freedom would be incomplete without a poem I wrote during Advent of last year, when I realized the pride that had led me to where I was… and I realized the humility and sloppiness of the shepherds, to whom the Glorious Angels chose to appear and reveal the most amazing Truth… while the Pharisees most likely sat polishing their rings and bleaching their phylacteries.
The Baby Jesus came to us in a profound way this last Christmas… And being pregnant with a tumbling babe in my womb, the meaning if ‘his birth’ has an even greater and deeper impact. And so, I would be honored to share with you my thoughts on His birth, which are not limited to Christmas, but will last for eternity…
Oh babe
in lowly cave
so accessible, approachable…
I thought I could
capture you
contain you
in my tiny manger of my ideas.
I thought you were to be found
in only one place
in one small way
I had the secret
and I was elite
and I had found ‘your prophet’
who said I was one of five favored…
How my pride secretly grew
and led me down a path
a clever one (of destruction)
the pride of those who are chosen
not the pride of those indifferent ones
… but pride nonetheless…
I thought I was too good for imperfect shepherds
and following sheep
who were sloppy, but saw angels, and quickly believed
and there you were
here you are
sweet babe
kicking in the womb
of my heart
saying ‘Stop worshipping man
but come to ME!’
and You broke the chains
once again
once again
and here we are
You and me
in simple cave
with mystery
(incomprehensible, humble) for everyone
and freeing me
from satan’s tyranny.
Rejoice, my soul…
Rejoice!
“Birth of Humble Victory” by Shalimar Masters
Copyright 2011
The End… Whose Opinion Truly Counts
19 Jan 2012 2 Comments
in "From Cult-like Thinking to Freedom in Friendship": My Story
My friends, I thought the proper conclusion to my series on Freedom and Friendship was a little poem about Our One True and Perfect Friend… Thank you for journeying with me, and please stay in touch as we go on new adventures in life, hope, and victory! Love, shalimamma
Again there she stood with glasses and braces,
uncontrollable hair and cumbersome graces.
So back to herself in that hall all alone
she set down her cup and turned to go home.
“Excuse me young lady,” the voice asked. “If I might, with permission of course, have the last dance tonight.”
“With me?” She asked startled, as she turned to the voice.
You must be mistaken. I’m an awful poor choice.
Who told you you’re awful?” He asked. “How do you know?”
“Can’t you see for yourself, the whole world tells me so.”
Then onto the dance floor walked the King as he said: “Would you like to my child, hear what I think instead?”
Then the hall filled with music as the king took her hand.
She asked “Your Majesty, please, I don’t understand?”
“I think you’re beautiful,” the King said as he smiled.
“I treasure you deeply. You’re lovely my child.
I think you’re beautiful – your hair and your braces,
your glasses and clothes your cumbersome graces.
And many more traits which I could speak of, there’s nothing about you I don’t truly love. You’re kind and you’re honest, funny and smart. You’re really quite charming you have a good heart.”
“Your majesty,” she asked as a tear came in view.
“I’d like to believe you, is that really true?”
“Of course it is true, every word that I say.
Daughter, I am the King. I made you that way.
I delight in your beauty, you’re wonderfully made.
I knew you before the foundation was laid.
You’re precious to me, every hair on your head,
daughter hear and believe.” The snoodle king said.
- Veggie Tale’s Snoodlerella.
Freedom and Joy in Friendship: A Tribute to YOU!!
18 Jan 2012 2 Comments
in "From Cult-like Thinking to Freedom in Friendship": My Story
And so, my friends, here we are… near the end of my little series…
This would be incomplete if I left out the rest of our loved ones, in addition to my amazing spouse and family, because you have CHOSEN to love and remain friends, completely freely, without being a relative and without obligation or commitment.
I believe this bible passage sums up better than I could the definition of true love and friendship: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…” 1 Corinthians 12: 4 – 8
I want to take a little moment and spotlight you, the witnesses of victory in my life, and to tell you what I have observed in you that has inspired me. I do not mean to embarrass anyone in this post or any others… But the truth is the truth!
I am going to start with those who have been ‘vocal’ on my blog, and have been a source of wonderful support, and have shown their true friendship in their writings…
Hiland Rose: our relationship started out when we were (much) younger and it started out in a place where we were strained and needed to grow. Over time, I have come to see some qualities which have caused me to see God in a new light. You contain incredible depths in your heart and soul, yet you also have a simple heart that does not seek powerful agenda. The suffering of others grieves you and causes you concern as if it were your own. You do not display envy, or competition, but are yourself. You are strong-willed and head strong, yet humble and willing to listen and absorb and learn. You love with a pure love. You are willing to admit fault, yet you are not a doormat for others to trample. While you can have strong words (as I can as well), you have tempered them in a way that contains charity. You are willing to tell me the truth about myself, even the uncomfortable parts, but you don’t hold my ‘warts’ against me or keep a record of wrongs. You are extremely loyal to your friends and family and are willing to defend them if necessary. You are an example of a true friend, one who has stuck by me through the years, without counting the cost, and because we both overcame clashes in our personalities, our friendship has been forged in fire and I believe will last into eternity. Your greatest love is for God first, and neighbor second, authentically, without putting on airs of ‘holier than thou’… Your love for God is first and foremost why you are who you are, and I consider myself a millionaire to have your friendship in my treasure box.
Shari: I have known you for a while, and yet you are a newer friend, but an instant one because you also are not afraid of truth and rationality, yet you have a beautiful diplomacy and charity in your words. I can tell you think for yourself, and are not vengeful, and that you are striving for holiness. When a fellow friend is striving for true holiness, you almost can’t go wrong in this type of friendship. You show humility and humor, yet are also not a doormat. I can trust that you would tell me if I were out of line, but your reasons would be rational and out of love rather than because you think you are better than I am. You have much wisdom for your age. I hope to get to know you more… You have been such a blessing to have on my blog as a contributor, and someone in my life.
Missy and Jeannette, I don’t know you in person, but I know if we lived close we would be friends… We have similar experiences, and although you are a little ahead of us in healing (it seems), Jeannette, I believe the three of us must have the same compassionate heart to be tempted with the same traps. Jeannette, I love how you speak with authority about what you know to be true, yet with a gentleness and non-condescending way. Missy, I love your humility and desire to heal, and your openness to the Holy Spirit in even stumbling across my blog. I believe it was no accident that the three of us found each other again through cyber space, and I would be honored to keep in touch
To the Sherman family, you are an example to me of being open in your suffering, and strength of character that doesn’t mess around . I always know where you stand, and I don’t sense that you walk around mad at the world or holding grudges, but that you live in the moment and are honest about whatever it is you are going through. You are very open to new relationships (not cliquish in the least) which is a beautiful quality of many people in the military. You are not apologetic in your beliefs or differences in opinion, but I get the feeling that your love for others would trump a difference in opinion as you both have deep sensitive hearts. While you are very head strong, you are also humble and non-judgmental of others’ families. I love that. I am blessed to know you.
As far as friends from the community we came from, I would like to mention a family who is incredibly and unusually pure-hearted, and dear and treasured friends of ours whom we have been blessed to know for quite some time. In their purity, they are rational and humorous, but do not will harm upon others, and have incredible class and the art of diplomacy. They are quick to include all within their fold of charity, because their goal is sainthood and eternity and not worldly recognition. These friends displayed a loyaty to us that was almost breathtaking and very healing for us. It was not blind foolish loyalty, but grounded in truth and always charitable. They are trustworthy and have never turned our own flaws against us. We are eternally grateful for this family.
There is another family I wish to mention. They also belong to this community, and they have many beautiful qualities. At this time they do not feel comfortable talking to us, as they don’t trust us since we have left and since they also have a close relationship at this time with one of the ‘exhibits’ I mentioned. In their beautiful humility and generosity, they are more subject to influence, just as we were at one time. But we hope that someday soon we will be writing an update to this post that all is well. The reason I mention them is because they have been beautiful friends to us, and it just so happens we all came upon an unfortunate circumstance. But they also have qualities that I want to mention. They are patient and kind and without envy. They are incredibly generous, and they are selfless in their friendships. They give when they themselves are struggling, and they are also willing to be in friendships with those that may be more difficult to love. They are very trusting in God. In friendship, they listened and supported us during our struggles, and maintained a sense of humor as well as a keen sense of reality. In other words, you felt like you could share just about anything with them and not be shunned. We are grateful for the significant role they played in our lives, and we miss them and pray for them.
I would mention last of all qualities that I see as the main qualities of our other beautiful friends who are treasures in our lives: joyful, non-gossipy, uplifting, assume the best in us and our intentions, do not keep a ‘record of wrongs’ or hold grudges, generous, honest, balanced in most areas of life, striving for holiness, humble yet confident, have the ability to laugh and have fun, living within God’s will for them, wishing the best for each other, not envious of others’ blessings, compassionate, not needy or co-dependent, not possessive, non-cult-like mentality/i.e. they think for themselves and seek truth, seek healing if it is needed, quick to apologize and forgive, open to new ideas and flexible, willingness to learn, passionate about things that are important in life, love of God above all things and neighbor as themselves, love themselves and can receive love, non-critical attitude, are contributing their gifts and talents to the community cheerfully, not clique-like, rational, mutually give to each other and enjoy each other’s company, and are friends because we have been called together by God…
If you are our friends, you have these qualities! And I am striving to have all of these qualities because of your beautiful example!
Aren’t we blessed? I do not pretend to be deserving of such treasure, yet that is how God’s love is. We cannot do anything to ‘deserve’ his abundance and love… we just must say ‘thank you’…
And that is what I want to say to you, my friends: THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. You are a treasure beyond words, beyond money or any material good, or any position of power and influence, or earthly advantage. You have helped me grow in ways that I cannot even express… you have shown me who I am, and you have shown me a reflection of who God is.
I thank you for journeying with me this far, and in my next post I will conclude with a beautiful little meditation that touched my heart, and summed up for me ‘what it’s all about’…
All my love,
shalimamma
Freedom and Joy in Real Friendship… A Miracle
17 Jan 2012 4 Comments
in "From Cult-like Thinking to Freedom in Friendship": My Story, "Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a Match!": A Love Story
And so now to my hubby… and a miracle.
I am going to TRY not to make this a gush fest (eeewww!) because both of us will need to start a nice heated fight just undo the gushiness if I go too far.
But let me say this: my husband became my best friend in a new way on November 20, 2011. Yeah, I even remember the date. And that’s unusual for me.
You may recall a little story that was rather climactic in my experience with a particular group of people we knew in a particular basement, which led to our realizing that we needed to be freed from a particular way of thinking. I mentioned how my hubby defended us and ‘got us out of there’… but there was much more to that story.
What happened that day was nothing short of miraculous.
If you read the previous post and clicked on the link about temperaments, or if you know them, my hubby is a classic ‘phlegmatic sanguine’… peaceful, non-confrontational, enjoys people, introverted, joyful… emphasis on the non-confrontational. In the over 13 years of our marriage, when there was a conflict of almost any kind, I was the one who generally defended our family, be it in business, in friendships, in family… I was the one who would ‘get on the phone and chew out that phone company for accidentally shutting down our phone line in the middle of a busy work day.’ I was the one who ‘sought spiritual direction for the direction of our whole family’, I led us to where we lived, where we went to church, how we raised our kids, how we schooled them, how we spent our money. And he seemed to be pretty content with this arrangement… and I thought I was too.
When I hit my bout of depression in October after we had first ‘been shunned by those we loved’, I noticed that I had regressed into behaviors that previously I thought I had conquered. I didn’t desire to live, I felt abandoned by God and loved ones, and I became tempted with self-harm (something I struggled with as a child).
And then a ‘flag’ went up… I thought, what on earth is happening here? Why am I reacting so strongly? Why can’t I just get over it? What is WRONG with me?
An email video mysteriously ended up in my inbox. It was about the roots of why we might be depressed, and why we might be repeating the cycle in toxic relationships that may have started way back in our childhood. As I watched the video, I began crying, and beginning to identify what was deeper, much deeper than what happened to us in the toxic group. I discovered something within myself that had not been healed, something within my marriage that I didn’t know existed.
I simply wanted, for all these years, to be defended.
I had taken on the role of Eve, facing our dragons head on. But in the end, I had taken upon my shoulders what was not mine to take. It was my man’s. And I needed to let him fight the battle. I needed to step back…
I told him of my discovery.
In the past, our conversations hadn’t always been all that healthy. I had a more critical mindset and approached subjects confrontationally, which of course, made him want to stick around for about 30 seconds. He would go silent. I would get angry… And with the last year we were involved in ‘the group’, our tensions were only rising steadily, rather than disippating . The pressure from the group, and to live up to others’ standards, to be who we were not, to try to avoid criticism… these were eating away at our marriage more quickly than past financial difficulties had. I just hadn’t noticed, until that day when I realized that my psyche had taken too much and that we had gone too far down the road of dysfunction, and I poured out my heart to my husband.
He listened. He truly listened. He took in what I was saying, and it was as if a lightbulb went on for him, and me…
And on the 20th of November, my husband got in between me and the ‘dragon’, for the first time in our marriage that I can recall, at least so dramatically, and he protected me. He raised his voice. He spoke with authority.
And something changed… our marriage had a significant healing that day. For the first time, I felt like I was a real wife, being in the role God meant for me, and Corey was a real husband, as God intended.
And so, Mrs Exhibit B, I cannot thank you enough. While the enemy was trying to use you to upset our peace and accuse us, God actually took over and was using you as HIS instrument of healing for us! Isn’t that glorious?! I literally want to send you flowers! Yes, God ALWAYS turns was is intended for evil into GOOD. And His way in this incident was certainly mysterious… but it snapped us into shape quickly, and provided a healing we didn’t even know to ask for.
This is the next quality I wish to illustrate: the willingness to protect, to be loyal, to stand between the enemy and our loved one, to die to ourselves and ‘give our life for our friend’… this quality is the making of a true friend, even a spouse. This is courage and true friendship, and if you find a friend who loves you in this way, they are indeed a treasure. As true friends, we feel each other’s pains, each other’s joys, and we naturally do not want them to come to harm… we wish the ultimate best for them.
Aside from my husband’s unwavering loyalty (despite my very wavering moods at times ) and his courage and will for my ‘best good’… he has another quality which I think is also vital in healthy friendships. He is a person of JOY.
Remember ‘sad’, my friends? She is not a person of deep joy (but there’s still time for all of us!)… and neither was I. My hubby taught me to look at the glass as half-full, to the point where many times I accused him of being ridiculous and “Polyanna-like”… But after his relentless joy and a positive attitude, I began to see the contrast with others in my life who were always raining on every parade. The misery of some of those friends became even more obvious, especially in light of the husband I have been blessed with.
Now, I do tend to be more of a realist, and sometimes I have to remind hubby to come down from the clouds and live with the rest of us as we deal with real life. That is where we balance each other out. But I have learned from him a skill… look for the good. That doesn’t mean we don’t grieve, have down days, or get mad. It doesn’t mean we act like we are on a happy pill. It doesn’t mean we don’t experience deep suffering.
It means we have an attitude of joy… I have had to act like I was joyful when I was not… and you know what? It started to take!
A true friend will leave you feeling joyful.
And so, my hubby, I have you to thank for giving me an attitude to aim for, and for being there to face the dragon for me…
And before I get gushy (and we end up with child #9), I will move on to my next posting: a tribute to YOU!!!!!
(Love, shalimamma)
Freedom and Joy in REAL Friendship… The beginning of the conclusion…
16 Jan 2012 3 Comments
in "From Cult-like Thinking to Freedom in Friendship": My Story
I’ve always envied my sister for something…
In a good way, really, but still…
She seemed to always have amazing friends. At some point, I think I began ‘stealing’ them , or latching on as a ‘friend of a friend’ to get in on whoever the amazing friend was at the time. Of course, I never stopped to analyze why she had this knack… could it be that she was much more healthy in herself than I was in the friendship department?
Although my sister is humble and might be quick to not attribute good friendships to her own level of health, I would say ‘yes’… and I find it interesting that now, looking back, I can see healthy trends in those young ladies that I never noticed before, or at least healthy trends in the relationships themselves. It takes two to tango, as they say, and so the question has been for me, throughout the last year: why was my sister showing a consistent pattern of healthy friendships, while I was still finding myself getting consistently caught up in toxic relationships? Why was I drawn to people that treated me with disrespect, or turned my own weaknesses against me for their own feeling of superiority? Could it be that the ‘two of us were tangoing’ in the same weakness, although one was more the perpetrator and one was more the victim?
I think the main answer to these questions is that I didn’t notice the trend before, and lacked some self-awareness… but awareness is over half the battle. Once my eyes were opened to the extremes that these relationships exhibited last year, I could all of a sudden ‘see’ everywhere else I had allowed myself to drink poison, and how I had fallen rather innocently into toxic relationships that wouldn’t change.
I say ‘wouldn’t change’, because I have also noticed that some relationships can start off toxic, but have healing and growth, where both parties are willing to give in, forgive, and strive for the betterment of themselves and the other… Some of my closest and dearest relationships are ones where we both ‘overcame’ our own weaknesses and worked through forgiveness and understanding. These relationships have been forged in fire and are the very people who helped formed me the most.
It is when someone is toxic and won’t change, or won’t listen to your pleas to ‘work something out’, or can’t ‘receive what you say in humility’… this is the type of relationship that I believe our lives are too short to hang around for. And once I truly realized this truth, and let go of my feeling of co-dependence to please those who treated me disrespectfully or uncharitably, I felt free indeed…
You could say that what happened last year, when those we least expected, those in our very own church and community, those whom we had defined in our hearts as ‘good and holy and trustworthy’, became hostile toward us in a way we had never before experienced, was a ‘severe mercy from God’ that He used to shed light on something that before went unnoticed, or remained more mysterious and beneath the surface.
And so, once I was freed and the truth was exposed, I began to think, who ARE those whom I should be in friendships with? What are THEIR traits?
Just as I saw trends of toxicity, I saw many more trends of health and beauty… I just hadn’t been as aware of them before… And I realized, I would get much further in life focussing on those I admire, those who help me grow in a positive way, who are enjoyable to be with, rather than whom I should avoid…
I mentioned temperaments in my last posting, not to pick on any temperament or personality, but to illustrate that the toxicity actually ISN’T to be blamed on any one temperament. In fact, many of those whom I am closest to actually have similar temperament combinations as my “three exhibits’ of toxicity. When anyone with any personality strives for holiness (growth towards God and love of neighbor), humility, and health, we begin to exhibit the best parts of our temperaments. I have also seen in some of our previous friends where temperaments have been used as an excuse for certain behaviors, with the focus being put on ‘tendency’ rather than our own free will to grow and change and be formed. People, and myself included, have ‘let themselves off the hook’ by saying they are ‘just that way’ and then they stay there instead of growing… I have also seen where people can grossly ‘misdiagnose’ themselves and others and even cheat themselves out of knowing who they really are. We have found this rather comical actually, when someone thinks they have strengths and faults that are more what they WISH they were, instead of who they really are… so they end up living in a fantasy world and deceiving themselves. Perhaps we can all do this to an extent, although I think the best course is to not focus so much on our tendencies and temperaments (past using knowledge of them as a helpful tool for growing or understanding others), but on our goals and desires for how we can better love God and our neighbor… that way we get the focus off ourselves and onto where it should be…
(This link is very helpful to understand the Four Temperaments I am referring to…)
And so I don’t mind whatever personality you are. God created all of them. And we can be compatible with all of them… some require more patience for us than others depending on our own personalities, but this is good because we help each other grow!
My family, meaning my parents and siblings, are a wonderful combination of more ‘choleric’ and ‘melancholy’ than any other temperament. I love them more than I can describe in words… they consist of humble cholerics, joyful melancholies, strong phlegmatics, and disciplined sanguines… While we all have to work on our weaknesses, when we strive to be holy, we become ‘the best we can be’, and a blessing to many…
My family (parents and siblings) are the first example I would like to ‘Exhibit’ as ‘who has shown me what it is to truly love and be loved.’
How we are today in relationship as a family did not come easily and without effort. We have grown together through hardship, illness (both mental and physical), clashes, misunderstandings, immaturity (in my case), and faith crises. But we stuck it out… Our relationships are safe. If we have a concern, we are free to voice it without being held hostage with ‘if I say this, they will never speak to me again’. There is an unspoken commitment that our love for each other goes beyond the bounds of disillusionment or disagreements. We love each other for who we are, no matter how different we are, just because of love itself, and not because any of us deserve it or because we ‘make each other feel good’ or because we just get along so terrifically…
This is the first quality I believe is necessary in a good and healthy friendship: We love each other simply because we are all, each of us, worthy of love just by being alive and a Child of God. There are no conditions on this love, even though we may hurt each other at times, or have some nice Italian fights and then of course seek forgiveness. We don’t have ‘ultimatums,’ binding expectations, grudges, passive aggressiveness, and we don’t seek to harm to go ‘right for the jugular’ or stab each other’s hearts just because we can. When all is said and done, we simply love each other, because our love is based in the eternal, and because we were loved first by God. I have seen this beautiful quality in my extended family as well… people sticking it out after decades, loyal and loving, a reflection of a family joined by love, or should I say Love with a capital L. This is what I believe is fundamental as the foundation for a true friendship: being loved for who you are, as you are, warts and all, even though at times you will challenge each other and help each other grow.
Up next: what I learned from my hubby, and then… a tribute to YOU, my faithful friends, and the beautiful qualities I have seen in you, to be posted for all to see
(If you send me chocolate, there is still time to get on my list. )
(To be continued…)
“Joyful Freedom”, A Poetic Summary
14 Jan 2012 2 Comments
in "From Cult-like Thinking to Freedom in Friendship": My Story, Humor: the Antidote for Suffering
There once was a couple sublime
Who had trouble being on time
Messes they left
Prayers were unsaid
And they quickly were sentenced with crime.
So they bought brand-new clothes that were modest
Put fancy new suits in kids’ closets
They set out to please
Fell down on their knees
And if children made noise they did pause it.
But one fateful day in the basement
They mistakenly left crumbs a’layin’…
And out came the glares
The critical stares
And a movement was formed of betray-ment.
So the next week with smiles and forgiveness
They cleaned others’ mess and skipped breakfast
But the coup had been formed
And they hadn’t been warned
That a ‘leader’ had just been enlisted.
They welcomed her joyfully then
And although she was one pecking hen
They were happy to find
That indeed she was blind
And was actually still their dear friend.
Upon further investigation
The couple discovered a nation
Of warriors true
Who hated them, (oooh!)
But ‘they’ were not even a human!
It wasn’t the lady in black!
Or the one with the auction-bought hat!
It certainly wasn’t
The two married cousins
Or the woman whose perm had grown flat!
With relief, and with giggling first,
The couple with great laughter burst!
All of this time
That Serpent unkind
Had made them think THEY had been cursed!
And joyfully waltzing away
They left that unfortunate Snake
To find someone else
(Oh, he found SomeOne Else)
Who cast him to hell!
And the music continued to play…
And looking back briefly that day
The couple saw SomeOne unphased…
He stood at the door
And He laughed with a roar
And with Mighty Hand chuckled and waved!
“Joyful Freedom” by Shalimar Masters
Copyright 2012
“The Vessel We Are Meant to Be”: Thoughts by Hiland Rose on Healthy Friendships
14 Jan 2012 5 Comments
in "From Cult-like Thinking to Freedom in Friendship": My Story, Victory Stories from YOU!
I’d like to share a little something I have learned in my short sojourn into real holy friendships. (Shalimamma, you have the honor of being the first 
)
The tendencies you both speak of resemble closely what my husband has dubbed, “victim personalities” I don’t say this to be mean or in judgement, I too have them..
It is a tendency to twist self hatred into an act of sacrifice… “If I really love someone I put up with what ever they dish out”…then it moves to fear of leaving because you feel like nothing on your own… I stated before I have been close with abused women…
The Cult Like Thinking Mentality that is being exposed here is rooted in this… Women are more easily swayed by this because we have this God given desire to give ourselves completely… Satan exploits this and it is exascerbated by biological factors, specifically depression. You were created for joy, for love and to find you’re fulfillment in God by loving others as he loves you, but also to love yourself as the woman He created. If you are finding yourself constantly in relationships where this is not being satisfied, there may be something missing, something you will need to pray for the wisdom to see. A good spiritual director or trusted priest might be able to help you explore that. If necessary you may need the help of a psychologist or councelor. There is no shame in that, biology and chemistry are inventions of God too.
Shal, you mentioned Exhibit C’s tendancy to be a transmitter without being able to receive anything, a point eloquently proven by her own words… The flip side is a tendency to accept abuse under the mindset that one is acting in love, while in reality one is afraid or too miserable to see past the situation while giving everything in the relationship to someone who can’t appreciate it save when it serves their purposes or selfish needs. There is a biblical phrase uttered by the lips of Our Lord, “Do not cast your Pearls before Swine…” this was in reference to wisdom given but not accepted, but it applies to your intentions in a relationship too.
I have been there… I watched a friend nearly die for her unwillingness to leave a very abusive relationship.
God did not make you to be a punching bag, or a garbage can…
He made you a vessel filled with his love and admiration, joy and beauty. Surround yourselves with those who truly love you and don’t hang on to poison… It is hard to stand alone, but you really aren’t alone. God seems to hide his face sometimes but he is always there. Sometimes he allows suffering in order for us to better understand the weaknesses of those we have around us. Forgiveness, and love don’t mean you have to go backwards, that you have to maintain a toxic realtionship or continue to take poor treatment by someone who can’t love you. Forgiveness acknowleges the wrong doing but moves on, we can’t do it by ourselves, it comes through the Grace of God. It happens more than once too…sometimes it is a conscious and daily prayer.
Missy I will pray that someone comes to you that will love you as the beautiful and deep person I can see that you are… everyone needs a friend like that. Don’t waste your time in circles where you are being kicked around, if it’s coming from family, well that’s harder and I can speak from experience on that… I will pray for you. Please pray for me too.. I still struggle with that one too…
Take care now.
Hiland Rose
It’s Only Fair…
13 Jan 2012 2 Comments
in "From Cult-like Thinking to Freedom in Friendship": My Story, Humor: the Antidote for Suffering
There once was a mother of many
Who took a few kicks in her shinnies
She kicked and she screamed
She cried and she cleaned
Then she laughed and she beamed
As she finally seemed
To discover the secret of winning…
Find friends who are GLAD!
(why would you want ‘sad’?)
Find friends full of LIFE!
(why would you want pride?)
With our glasses half-full
Of wine or Red Bull,
Of joy and beer brews
We sit and we muse
Of our lives full of laughter and plenty!
shalimamma
Hiland Rose
Melissa M Brown
