Life Victorious!

Forgiveness Friday: I Forgive You, Gossip Central

25 May 2012 2 Comments

by shalimamma in Everyday Victories and Random Thoughts

Dear Gossip Central,

I hadn’t written about you before in my account of the forgiveness and healing journey I had to go through after I was betrayed by a certain group of parish friends last year.  That’s because I thought maybe, just maybe, you could see things in truth and weren’t part of the culty ‘avoid my family lest you be doomed forever’ group.  I thought maybe we had just lost touch because we didn’t run into each other anymore.  (Plus, I have moved on from that whole experience and thought I didn’t need to think about it anymore.  Good gracious!)

Turns out I was wrong.

I should have known, since you constantly pumped me for information while I was hurting, and you constantly gossiped about everyone to ME… I was aware of the rule, if someone gossips/slanders TO you, they are most undoubtedly gossiping ABOUT you.  You normally go behind the scenes and sweetly and quietly talk about one person to another… and are party to several big family rifts.

Now I understand why…

You seem to be compassionate and sensitive and striving for holiness, and in fact, you were a blast to hang out with as you seemed very in touch with reality, always giving things a fresh, witty, and real perspective…

But inside, you are envious.  I know you envied me (never was sure why…), because you envy others, even in your own family.  You stalk websites of people you don’t even like and play both sides of the field, but inside, feel as if you don’t really measure up.

I have struggled with envy in the past, too, but discovered long ago that it only makes ME miserable while the other unsuspecting person goes along their merry way.  So what is the point of THAT ridiculous sin?  I’d rather go for sins that are more fun, if I wanted to go for sins

One scene still haunts me… it is the last time I saw your face.  While I was being verbally attacked (and in essence ousted for no good reason) by another parishioner in the dungeon basement that wanted to devour me with hate that day, one of the worst days of my life, I happened to look over at you.  You gave me big smile.  I remember that smile as clear as day…  I wanted, as I always do, to give you the benefit of the doubt that you really meant that smile (and that you didn’t realize what was happening to me at the time) because we were friends.  But now I know, it was insincere.

How do I know this?

Well… truth has a funny way of coming out in the end, doesn’t it?  I found out just yesterday that you had tried to send various close friends of ours to pick up an item you had lent us in a sneaky (sad and slimy) sort of way… not one friend but at least two now.  Are we really that scary?  Lol!   Or do you want to be honest with yourself and realize that you have become culty, you know, like your ‘squeaky clean’ friend overseas who gave me my first glimpse of the cult, but isn’t worth writing about because, well you know… you gossiped about her to me all the time.  And now, looking back, I realize that you never answered my kind notes, never answered my phone calls, never called to continue our friendship or comfort me while I was in pain… and it occurred to me, Ah!  Sadly, you are one of ‘them’… and you were not a real friend.  Of course, the little group of former friends is kind of old news from last year, and I have gotten much better at identifying true friends since then.  But it’s worth noting anyway… as sometimes, it can take a while to completely cleanse ones self from a situation, especially if we are still in the same vicinity.  Sometimes we need to forgive someone more than once.  Maybe even 70 X 7.

I forgive you because you are so so broken.  You have much wisdom and I could have talked to you for hours… you are a lovely mother, although there is much guilt in your parenting… You are alone (and lonely) frequently and perhaps wish ‘for better’ for yourself and your family… who doesn’t?  But it consumes you, and you are filled with constant sadness and melancholy.

I have mercy on you because you lost a little one in the womb while I was pregnant with a healthy little one.  I felt for you with a deep love when you spoke to me for hours about your loss.  I still feel for you…

I pray that you are released of envy and become content in your own skin.  If you were, we would still be friends, especially since I really really loved being around you… but in the end you have lacked courage and true loyalty and ended up believing the small ‘glob’ clique who can’t think for themselves.

And the gossip?  It always catches up.  For the record, people don’t trust gossips, and it shows deep insecurity.  (I learned that in junior high.)  Perhaps the one person that advises you doesn’t help you overcome this because they, in fact, suffer with the same weakness.  Believe me, I know.

It is always humbling for any of us to find out rumors or gossip or slander against us or our families.  It can really hurt, too… However, we move on.  In the end, the Gossip ends up isolated and no one takes him or her at face value, and he or she is seen as a weak character who needs to put down others in order to feel good about themselves. I am certainly not innocent of this vice… I fight it tooth and nail… and I certainly don’t want to make it my way of life, to sit around thinking about what is wrong with everyone else and how I am a victim.  It is tempting sometimes… but it never leads down a good road, so why even start travelling down it?  And if you’re already on it, why STAY on it?

I also forgive you because you weren’t given that same amount of love and acceptance from your family as I have been given by mine.  This is not your fault, and it is terrible that an upbringing even from so long ago can leave such a void in someone’s life.  I pray that you seek healing, and that you receive it.

I would have let this letter slide, because I really have moved on for the most part (and I am even boring myself with the same ole’ story ), however, you were big into truth on blogs and websites and not glossing things over, and somehow your name was brought to my attention this week, which brought back some memories.  So in honor of you, I am being honest.  And, plus, I want to tidy up any past memories that come to mind in case we run into each other in a thrift store…

In truth, I am kind of relieved to not have to hear all that gossip anymore.  It makes me weak because I love hearing exciting things about people and it’s quite addictive… but it’s not uplifting and leaves me feeling empty in the end.  Shouldn’t we be building people up?  (Should I bring up that word ‘charity’ again?)

Ms. Gossip with the Broken Heart, I have loved you, and I pray that we might meet again when you begin to love yourself…

With love and prayers and truth,

shalimamma

P.S.  I am just now realizing… why is there such a concentration of very broken people at this one little parish?  Very very eeeeeeenteresting…

Return to Sender: Healing by “Draft Deleting”

21 May 2012 4 Comments

by shalimamma in Everyday Victories and Random Thoughts

“Dear Person I Used to Pour My Heart Out To,

I really still care about you and think about you all the time… I know you have let go of our friendship and constantly ignore my offerings of love, but I just can’t stand not reaching out to you… I mean, shouldn’t I be loving and all?……”

- Delete. -

“Dear Family Member,

You have been exhibiting this certain behavior for 300 years now and it is driving me crazy.  I mean, why does the world always have to revolve around you?  Can’t you see that you are not sympathizing with me, but are acting self-centered after all these years, even while you are trying to be holy?……”

- Delete. -

“Dear Freaky Mean Culty Person,

You know, I keep being nice.  Nice nice nice nice.  Loving loving loving loving.  And you keep doing these little manipulative things to torture me in some way.  Do you think I don’t have a heart?  Even when I walked away, finally, you continue to torture me and try to trap me into some behavior to ‘trip me up’ by sending me a note which you don’t intend to answer when I write you back… and I want to take the bait because I love deeply… but you are manipulative and caught in some weird thinking that doesn’t involve charity…”…

- Delete. -

“Dear hubby,

You see, I am just so irritated about our situation.  I never feel as if we have enough money, or that I have enough time with you, and I really think you deserve a raise, and we should spend more time together… blah blah blah blah blah…”…

- DELETE! -

Ah.. that felt good!  And it never left my “Draft” folder…

This, my friend, is my new therapy: Draft Deleting!

You see, I have a funnel running from my brain and heart right to my mouth, without a filter, and used to think I needed to communicate whatever came out of there… and sometimes even when I didn’t want to communicate it, it still popped out!  And, I discovered that I not only had a funnel to my mouth, I had one to my fingers on my laptop keyboard as well.  So I used to write what I was really feeling or thinking at the time… to my hubby, my friends, my ‘enemies’… whomever.

Many times, I was justified in what I wrote.  In recent years, I have taken up the policy to write only what I would also say to someone’s face.  People get bold on the internet, like a tiny woman behind the wheel of a semi, and say things they might not have half the courage to say if the same person was standing right there in front of them.   In fact, most people would probably give a nice fake smile to someone they hate.  I think the internet might be a lot more tame if people had to embarrass themselves in person.  But no, they remain anonymous and say whatever they want with no accountability…  I never wanted to do that.  So if you see it in writing, I would say it, too…

But even with that policy, I realized I needed to take this a step further.  What if I were courageous enough to say how was I was really thinking, but I was being called to something even higher… patience?

AAGGHH!!!!

Sorry, that word felt weird to type and even my fingers cringed at the word ‘patience.’  What about silence?  Temperance?  Charity when being treated unjustly?  What about NOT writing that big letter to someone important exposing someone else’s tragic flaws?  What about being… MERCIFUL?

I want to right the world.  I want to get on my soap box and tell everyone the truth, to make everything right, to reveal everything that is really going on, to work on every problem or conflict…

But who am I ??

What am I NOT seeing, which if I did, would stop me in an instant from writing that nice piece of advice to So-and-So-Who-Needs-to-Do-Things-My-Way-Because-They-Are-Ignorant??

Maybe I am not seeing the ‘plank in my own eye.’

Or maybe, that ‘former friend’ is suffering deep depression and is in much more pain than I am.  Maybe that family member knows their flaw but still deeply loves me and would give their life for me.  Maybe that cruel person who taunts or tries to manipulate me is being beaten by their spouse and doesn’t know a healthy relationship from a hole in the ground.  Maybe she is incredibly lonely… more than I can imagine.

Maybe, they are all closer to God than I am.

So it just so happens, I wrote one of my “Deletable Drafts” this morning.  (I never put in the actual “Send to” email address just in case some kid finds my iPhone and accidentally pushes “send”… )  I told it like it is.  I laid it all on the line.  I was telling someone I love that I can’t take anymore of their irritating behavior, and I don’t have to anymore anyway.  I challenged them to greater holiness (you can insert a chuckle here)… Ha!

And I pushed Delete.

And it’s a good thing I did.  I felt better… and right after I had deleted it, they randomly called me to say they loved me.

My feelings were and are legitimate.  They need to come out in some way so that I don’t hold grudges or become bitter or depressed.  So it’s good to write as if I am talking to them.  Even a hundred times if I need to.  But I need to be cautious about sending my message… Is it for my own venting?  Or is it really an inspired note?  Besides, I don’t know the whole picture of what is going on in that person’s life… Only God does.

And His 2 X 4′s are much better than mine (and He is perfect.)

Happy deleting!

Love,

shalimamma