Who does Porn hurt anyway?

A strong warning for those who have children near by and for those who are easily offended. You might want to switch over to something nice and Christmas related… I intend to be straight forward with the truth here, and the content of this article will be provocative, graphic and maybe even a little scandalous.

“He can look all he wants, as long as he doesn’t touch.” words from a crass female client of mine back when I used to work behind a salon chair. A lot of people feel this way about Porn. As long as it doesn’t affect them directly it’s free speech right? Uh no.

Porn is a multi billion dollar industry that embraces abortion, illegal drug use, prostitution, helps spread venereal disease, and encourages sexual abuse of women, and children. News flash it hurts families. It’s more than just looking at dirty pictures, or that stash of magazines Dad hides in a shoebox in his closet that every one knows is there and thinks is funny. Porn isn’t just consumed by perverts, stoners and bums who people think of, hanging around outside x rated book stores and gift shops. Porn addiction strikes ministers, decent family men and women, politicians, pastors kids, rich or poor, young boys and old men. It’s worse than Crack, and it’s so accessible.

What can staring at pictures of sex acts and naked women really do to harm someone? It’s not like the guy is sitting at a stripper bar stuffing dollar bills in the garter of a naked woman, right? It’s not like he’s actually out there sleeping with these women or carrying out a crime, right?

Ask Jessica Ridgeway’s family, her killer, a seventeen year old boy…baby faced and shocked at himself in a police interview….Ask countless divorcees who’s marriages fell apart because a partner just didn’t measure up any more. Ask the thousands of victims of sex trafficking, youth exploitation and victims of child sex abuse. You could even ask me.

There is a leap from just fantasizing, to carrying out the act to make a fantasy a reality. I have to ask though, where do the ideas come from? How does a kid like Austin Sigg get the idea that strangling and raping a woman would be exciting, something he obsessed about? So much so, that he tried to kidnap a grown woman first, and failing that, took a child he knew? That is an extreme example, one that is still raw. One of the details released after his trial was that he had a hard drive full of porn on his computer. Most people don’t go that far, by the grace of God.

Porn is evil and so readily available….Most people don’t even have to pay for erotica magazines or the “dirty” stations on HBO anymore. It shows up in your inbox via unsolicited erotic emails, it calls from image searches for entirely unrelated subjects, it shows up in You-tube video searches and in free internet game menus, searches for things that are innocent… all it takes is the click of a mouse or the wrong spelling of a key word to be enticed into a sordid world where the only limit is your imagination and ability to stomach it. You don’t have to go looking for it, it finds you.

Pornography creates a fantasy person, that isn’t thought of as a person, but a tool a product. A consumer of Porn shops around looking for his idealized image of what an exciting sexual experience could be, a new thrill to aid in achieving his euphoria. After a while it gets stuck in the consumer’s head and interferes with his ability to see a real spouse as desirable. Even someone who understands the beauty and joy of conjugal love sees an end to a means on the screen and the shame prevents true intimacy when the opportunity arises in marriage.

Porn consumption hurts the spouse of the consumer deeply, especially when the consumer isn’t apologetic, or worse blames his spouse, accusing her of being frigid or not measuring up in other areas. The consumer then justifies himself based on flawed logic, that he deserves better than what he has. (a stretch considering what porn depicts, suggesting it is somehow better…) He feels he’s not technically cheating on his wife because the woman is a fantasy.

The thing with Porn though, it’s just like Crack, or Meth, what ever, it alters the brain. Sex isn’t enough after a while. To get that same euphoria, things get worse visually, or just looking becomes a “What if?” situation. How far is it from “just looking”, to “let’s spice things up in the bed room!” to “I’m bored with you.”? Now, how far is it from looking at grown consenting women and men engaging in all forms of nasty, to viewing children and fantasizing about the same? How much of a leap is it to go from watching sexual play, to viewing snuff shows to get a fix? How far before you want to feel what it’s really like to dominate a partner and cause pain to the point of euphoria? How long before you think bondage or needle play isn’t enough and you want to experiment with strangulation to enhance orgasm? You see, once the line is crossed over, where do you fall off? This isn’t just a young people’s problem, grown men and women make light until it’s come between them… or worse.

From the perspective of the spouse, especially in a relationship where everything else is as it should be, it is a devastation. It doesn’t even have to go past the occasional looking at pictures on a screen for it to shatter the wife of a consumer. As a woman, she gives herself in everything she does, mind body and spirit, especially in the bedroom, only to have her husband not do the same. It is just as bad as if he had acted on that fantasy with another woman. In truth, I almost wish in my case that it had been full infidelity, then I could confront her, and see what the hell she has that I don’t….I can’t confront my husband’s other woman, she is made up of a monster behind a fair face….an evil, older than man that walks behind the flesh. She is a fantasy woven of thousands of images and suggestions that no real woman could ever live up to, or would want to…. I hate her.

I hate her because she is a lie. I hate her because she is tearing my husband to shreds, emasculating him, while he thinks it’s just a bad habit, a minor addiction, (if there is such a thing) like smoking, something he can control and only resorts to when he thinks he can blame me for our problems. I hate her because she is real to him, real enough that she interferes with our intimacy and shadows every act of love with a temptation to perversion. I hate her because she is not content with stealing one man, but insists on having all of them, a whore who’s goal is the corruption of every male mind on the planet and the subsequent annihilation of human kind. Her name has changed, but I know her from the Old Testament as Ashtoreth, her partner, Moloch.

Pornography and her twin sister, Suggestive Advertising, permeate every form of entertainment, every product or service is sold using her…. there is no escaping the gateway… What’s worse, is that it turns sex into a selling agent, a tool or something disgusting and perverted. It makes double standards about breast exposure and breast feeding in public, it makes women slaves and cages us because expressing our femininity isn’t enough, we have to look like something we are not just to make initial contact, teenaged girls are told to be sexy because beautiful isn’t enough to land a man….It turns the beauty of sexuality, of our human form into something shameful to gaze upon, my greatest and deepest heartbreak as an artist, a mother and a wife.

Man up America!!! Keep your pants zipped and hit the confessionals! Moms and especially Dads raise your daughters to love and respect themselves and others, raise your sons to do the same. Open up about porn to your sons, many start consuming at the age of 12. Porn stars or housewives, we are all women, and we all deserve to be respected as such. Our bodies should be temples, not tools. (Unless a woman is deranged, masturbating in front of her is not considered a form of worship at the temple of the body… yuck!) Sex isn’t a commodity people, neither are children. Marriage is sacred and sex is too.

Wives, stand up to your husbands, call him out if you know he’s consuming. Don’t pooh pooh it, and don’t accept that it is some how your fault. When confronted most of the time he’ll say it really isn’t your fault or anything you are doing or not doing. If you have issues with intimacy, work on it, your marriage is worth saving. Don’t debase yourself and start consuming with him or trying to emulate what you think attracts him to Porn. More often than not, it isn’t your sexual relationship that he will point to as failing. It hurts, but you know, you have to fight for what is worth keeping. I am, I will not lose my husband without a fight.

Men, if you have a problem, get help… it is an addiction, just like to alcohol and cigarettes or heroine…. get help. Hang out with like minded men who can support you in your intention to stay pure. Your wife will thank you, and you might be surprised how nice the real deal is without all the smut in the way. For those of you wives who read this and might want to nudge your man toward healing check out this site, http://www.nofap.org, my friend recommended it to me for my other half. It’s an online community available 24/7 where men struggling with this can safely interact and encourage one another.

Hang in there ladies…. I reiterate, anything worth keeping is worth fighting for. I for one know my man is worth it, and so am I.

From my heart to yours,
The Hiland Rose

8 thoughts on “Who does Porn hurt anyway?

  1. Man this is a subject that really sucks but the honesty is best. I find women who say “I don’t care.” Are often just trying to protect thier vulnerable places of thier heart and mind. It’s a lie they sometimes come to believe pretending to be liberated and understanding. In the end you can be understanding without condoning-love with the hurt and support when it’s painful to watch thier struggle. It’s not jealousy but acknowledgement of the sacredness of sexuality. Pray for your husband because not only what it does to you and your marriage but mostly because of what it does to his soul. A book that is a popular helping tool to all Christians is “Everymans Battle” by Stephen Arterburn

  2. Thank you Shari for your comment and for the book recommendation. I intend this article to be a catalyst and anyone who has a resource to offer, helpful advice or prayers, please feel free to leave those here as this is not something my husband and I are dealing with alone, it is a pervasive issue and one that needs to be treated for what it is.

  3. Passionately stated! Porn is extremely destructive on so many levels. I’ve even written about it a couple of times on my blog if you are interested.

    There is a scientific study I will probably do a full post on one of these days about prairie voles. The gist of the study is these scientist sprayed feces on a non-experienced female vole in her mating prime. Voles are repulsed by the smell. However, when the male (who was sexually inexperienced as well), who was also in his mating prime, smells the feces, he engages in intercourse anyways. The first time this male and female had intercourse was with the smell of feces. Every time after that, the male vole wanted intercourse with that smell.

    The study, I believe, was attempting to demonstrate the power of the first sexual encounter, whether it be sex or internet pornography. The hypothesis is the first sexual experience can determine the type of things one is thrilled by in the future. Consequently, it is of even more importance we teach and model the life Jesus led.

    • Dear Bryan,
      I think the study is interesting, but if people stop there, all hope is lost for those entrapped by this corruption. It suggests that once you have fallen you can’t get back up, that you are doomed to forever battle this…perversion and fail. Even a child who was raised well and taught right from wrong and what dangers to avoid can still be lured by the desire for adventure and satisfaction of curiosity…. that’s usually how things start…There is more than just the physical aspect to this addiction, it isn’t really about sex but that’s what it destroys. It cuts at the root of Marriage, family and procreation. It is the Devil’s counterstroke to God’s promise of Salvation to Eve. Even though His plan was corrupted by the sin of His children, God still sanctified the union of Adam and Eve and did not take back his blessing and request for them to be fruitful and multiply. If a person doesn’t address the spiritual darkness while also addressing the physical and mental aspects, the person will never heal, but be plagued by the addiction for life, doomed to fail over and over. It is a battle that is fought not just in the Addicts Anonymous meeting but from the knees by the second, minute, hour, day, etc….Without God and his Grace, there is no way to change it. I like to think that we as humans with souls that look back to God and our Heavenly home are better than rodents, or apes or any animal… Porn steals the dignity of the human spirit and reduces a consumer to a slave to flesh and animal nature. It is demonic. Thank you for finding this study though…it certainly is something to ponder that your first experience will weigh very heavily on you from that point on…but it doesn’t have to define you if you don’t want it to.

      • I am defiantly in agreement that addiction is more than just the physical, and also there is always healing and redemption thru Christ. I thought I would share that study which lends itself to the importance of being careful with what we fill out minds with, strictly from a scientific point of view.

  4. Thank you so much for writing this. I feel so alone as I am trying to cope with my divorce which was directly related to pornography. My husband left me solely because of my discomfort with porn. I expressed the same feelings you did above and he said that I had a problem not accepting something normal and imperative to all men. I feel so devastated after how much I had devoted to our marriage. After I discovered the porn, then so many things made sense. I understood his comments about expecting me to look a certain way and insisting on doing things in bed that came directly from porn that were physically painful to me. And his saying that we were an unattractive naked couple. Of course all that is true, because he was comparing us to porn. But he could not see the connection. I have since met other women whose marriages have also ended in part because of porn, and so people who claim that porn does not harm marriages or relationships just does not know. There are several out there. Just the fact that this topic is being written about and that there are support groups for it and in my group counseling, I’ve met so many, it just shows that this is an issue. I get so upset when I hear men and women deny that is can be harmful. So many women I have met because of this have lost all of their confidence to feel good about how they look. Some even wondering if they look normal! How sad. And the fact that many young girls get breast implants and labiaplasties is undeniably related to pornography. Society is not showing compassion for the women that porn causes harm to.

    • Dear Kim,
      Thank you for your courage in your comment. I am so sorry…. I can see in your writing that you are a compassionate and beautiful person. I am truly sorry your ex could not see past his disorder to see that…He is suffering from an addiction, whether he chooses to see it so or not. What he says is normal in how a man treats sex is a lie he tells himself to justify his shame. He sounds like he had been in so deep for so long he doesn’t have the ability to break free, or see the need to do so any longer. Pray for him, I know it is hard but he has to find healing, it’s not something that goes away; but he has to seek help…you can’t do that for him, I think you know that though. I am glad to hear that you are a part of a support group for women like yourself…that is an immense relief and blessing.

      My prayer is that you can see yourself as the beauty you are and that you are created to be. I will also keep your ex in my prayers along with my own husband. I read a book that helped me through a rough patch, it was the companion for women to Wild at Heart, it was called “Captivating, Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul” by John and Staci Eldredge, it was a great comfort to me in affirming my femininity and dignity while helping me understand more about God’s plan for Woman as she is.

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