The Struggles of Being “Stuck”… by Missy

28 Jan 2012 1 Comment

by shalimamma in Victory Stories from YOU!

Moving… it’s kind of a sore subject with me.  I will give you the long version When I was 10, my family moved from NJ to CT.  The memory of my early childhood is excellent. I had great friends, and I think I was one of the popular kids in my class.  I remember vividly that everyone liked me because I was nice to everyone else.  I stood up to the bullies, and I included the outcasts.  I think it was a good life (as well as my old memory serves me…LOL!!  Of course, I would admit that I could be full of myself).  So, when my dad got laid-off, and announced that the only job he could find was in CT, I was excited beyond belief.  I thought how amazing it will be to have all these great, amazing friends in TWO states!  I could spread my awesomeness around (it’s funny that I can still feel these feelings/thoughts 30 years later).

So we moved to CT.  My mom & sister didn’t want to move.  They didn’t want to move AT ALL.  For them, it was worse than death.  This is where I have done a bit of healing because at the time, I obviously had no reference point, but now I have realized that when we moved, my mom was only 31.  So looking at myself when I became & passed the age of 31, I had alot of resentment toward her.  She became very spoiled, hated life, didn’t want to be there, made sure that she made my dad’s life a living-h—, and also decided to go to work full time.  It wasn’t fun at home.  And then, it wasn’t fun at school, either.  As the new outsider, no one wanted to befriend me.  I could not find one single person that was like me – the one who always befriended the new-comer.  It was awful.  My parents had a very, very rocky road the first 4 years there.  My mom would bring my sister & I to happy hour, and my dad assumed she had an affair.  To this day, she says she didn’t, but my dad never believed her.  Because of my terrible time in school, I decided to not go to the local public school, and to go to an all girls Catholic high school about 30 minutes from my house.  It was fun there, but I never really connected, I guess.

So, I went to college in RI, moved to NY State after I graduated, met my husband & we got married & moved to IL for 2 years.  We decided to start a family & when I got pregnant, we moved to PA.  We lived there for 9.5 years, and I had vowed to never move, especially when my kids were in 4th grade like I was when my world fell apart. We were happy in PA, and I totally get what you mean about the small-town mentality.  I liked it at the time.

Of course, God always has the last word with everything.  Now I don’t know if I cursed myself or not but… while we were in PA, my kids were in our parish grammar school and I was very involved in both the church & the school.  Suddenly, for no reason at all, I started feeling like my life wasn’t right.  I started hating all my involvement.  I felt over-involved, over-stretched, and over-exhausted.  I felt like the people really only liked me for what I could do or give to them.  These feelings came out of the blue.  Then I felt like I needed to homeschool.  On Mother’s Day of 2009, I made the final decision that it was God calling me and actually giving me all of these ideas that I can’t stand what I was doing.  So, now for why I think I cursed myself… in July, my husband came home & said that his boss wanted us to move to Georgia.  HAHA!  My oldest was just 10 the month before.  I was completely determined to NOT be like my mother & to have fun, think of it as a new adventure and be good to my kids and my husband.  And, as always, God has the best sense of humor because we fell in love with Georgia and I imagined spending the rest of my life there….. but my husband quit to start his own business.  There really aren’t too many opportunities in GA in his line of work apparently.  So, exactly 18 months after moving to GA, the only job my husband could find was in Maryland.  And guess what?  My first 2 kids are only 19 months apart.  So, not only did I move when my first was going into 4th grade, I moved again when my 2nd was going into 4th grade…. LOL!!!  Thank you, God, for making me realize that I’m not in charge.

So, here is where I don’t want to be.  Here is where I’m still challenged to NOT act like my young, spoiled mother.  Here’s where God apparently wants us, and I’m struggling.  And I know there are many reasons why God wanted us in GA, but I wish the stay could have been much, much longer.  I do not know why God wants us here in MD… stuck in this teeny, tiny apartment while we are waiting for our house to sell.  Stuck here where I feel it’s very hard to make new friends because we are still in transition–we will move again once our house sells (if it ever sells).  I need to find that new horizon in my mind, I guess.

God bless you!!!

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