The Struggles of Being “Stuck”… by Missy

Moving… it’s kind of a sore subject with me.  I will give you the long version When I was 10, my family moved from NJ to CT.  The memory of my early childhood is excellent. I had great friends, and I think I was one of the popular kids in my class.  I remember vividly that everyone liked me because I was nice to everyone else.  I stood up to the bullies, and I included the outcasts.  I think it was a good life (as well as my old memory serves me…LOL!!  Of course, I would admit that I could be full of myself).  So, when my dad got laid-off, and announced that the only job he could find was in CT, I was excited beyond belief.  I thought how amazing it will be to have all these great, amazing friends in TWO states!  I could spread my awesomeness around (it’s funny that I can still feel these feelings/thoughts 30 years later).

So we moved to CT.  My mom & sister didn’t want to move.  They didn’t want to move AT ALL.  For them, it was worse than death.  This is where I have done a bit of healing because at the time, I obviously had no reference point, but now I have realized that when we moved, my mom was only 31.  So looking at myself when I became & passed the age of 31, I had alot of resentment toward her.  She became very spoiled, hated life, didn’t want to be there, made sure that she made my dad’s life a living-h—, and also decided to go to work full time.  It wasn’t fun at home.  And then, it wasn’t fun at school, either.  As the new outsider, no one wanted to befriend me.  I could not find one single person that was like me – the one who always befriended the new-comer.  It was awful.  My parents had a very, very rocky road the first 4 years there.  My mom would bring my sister & I to happy hour, and my dad assumed she had an affair.  To this day, she says she didn’t, but my dad never believed her.  Because of my terrible time in school, I decided to not go to the local public school, and to go to an all girls Catholic high school about 30 minutes from my house.  It was fun there, but I never really connected, I guess.

So, I went to college in RI, moved to NY State after I graduated, met my husband & we got married & moved to IL for 2 years.  We decided to start a family & when I got pregnant, we moved to PA.  We lived there for 9.5 years, and I had vowed to never move, especially when my kids were in 4th grade like I was when my world fell apart. We were happy in PA, and I totally get what you mean about the small-town mentality.  I liked it at the time.

Of course, God always has the last word with everything.  Now I don’t know if I cursed myself or not but… while we were in PA, my kids were in our parish grammar school and I was very involved in both the church & the school.  Suddenly, for no reason at all, I started feeling like my life wasn’t right.  I started hating all my involvement.  I felt over-involved, over-stretched, and over-exhausted.  I felt like the people really only liked me for what I could do or give to them.  These feelings came out of the blue.  Then I felt like I needed to homeschool.  On Mother’s Day of 2009, I made the final decision that it was God calling me and actually giving me all of these ideas that I can’t stand what I was doing.  So, now for why I think I cursed myself… in July, my husband came home & said that his boss wanted us to move to Georgia.  HAHA!  My oldest was just 10 the month before.  I was completely determined to NOT be like my mother & to have fun, think of it as a new adventure and be good to my kids and my husband.  And, as always, God has the best sense of humor because we fell in love with Georgia and I imagined spending the rest of my life there….. but my husband quit to start his own business.  There really aren’t too many opportunities in GA in his line of work apparently.  So, exactly 18 months after moving to GA, the only job my husband could find was in Maryland.  And guess what?  My first 2 kids are only 19 months apart.  So, not only did I move when my first was going into 4th grade, I moved again when my 2nd was going into 4th grade…. LOL!!!  Thank you, God, for making me realize that I’m not in charge.

So, here is where I don’t want to be.  Here is where I’m still challenged to NOT act like my young, spoiled mother.  Here’s where God apparently wants us, and I’m struggling.  And I know there are many reasons why God wanted us in GA, but I wish the stay could have been much, much longer.  I do not know why God wants us here in MD… stuck in this teeny, tiny apartment while we are waiting for our house to sell.  Stuck here where I feel it’s very hard to make new friends because we are still in transition–we will move again once our house sells (if it ever sells).  I need to find that new horizon in my mind, I guess.

God bless you!!!

We’ve moved! … (figuratively, that is ;)

 

I grew up in the military.

And that had many blessings… like being able to push a major ‘refresh button’ in life every three or so years.  We didn’t know what a ‘small town mentality’ was, and were open to making new friends all the time… I consider my upbringing in the military a blessing, even though it is a challenging life.

And so now, we are not in the military.  We have been in the same town for almost 11 years… longer than I have lived anywhere.  In a way, I haven’t been sure what to do with myself… there has been ‘no easy way out’ with simply moving and disappearing and starting over.  The same people are… still here.  And so am I.  It has been a real learning curve, but I also discovered a valuable gem that was hard to attain in the military life: long-term friends.  What a treasure!

But what about when I am sick and tired of the same little group, or they are sick of me?  What if there is a family that simply doesn’t like us and keeps slandering and just won’t go away?  What if we need to push that ‘refresh button’ but we are… well… stuck here?

I realized something… we are NOT stuck!  We can move!

MENTALLY!!!!

When we change our attitude and outlook, it is really interesting, but a natural ‘refresh’ seems to happen.  People that might be disagreeable, or even people that are wonderful but that we no longer ‘fit in with’ or that we have grown in different directions, groups that no longer bring us life (but once did)… when we change for the better, we can start to notice that those same people aren’t as attracted to us anymore, and in fact, the feeling is mutual… and we move on.

And amazingly, new people seem to pop into our lives without much effort.

I feel like we have moved… I have moved my psyche, my confidence level, my attitude, and my new location is beautiful and awesome.

And those friends whom I have had for years who have grown right along with me?  I didn’t have to give them up.  In fact, we are living in the same ‘town’…

Do you have a story about ‘moving’?  I would love to hear it!

I cannot begin to tell you how freeing and exhilarating it is to drive down the highway, new road ahead, wind blowing in your hair, new land and new scenery you haven’t seen before.  But you don’t have to move out of your house to find this, and you don’t have to be military…  You can simply jump into the convertible of your choice (mine has to be imaginary anyway, unless we can find a 10 passenger one ), turn on that engine, put your foot to that pedal, and DRIVE…. Sun shining, beauty all around, a new horizon…

Happy moving!

Blessings,

shalimamma

Pick me! Pick me! Humbly asking for your (non-political) vote ;)

Greetings, my friend!!

Wow, what a week…  what a month…  There has been quite a mix of glorious happenings, mixed with bittersweet as well as just plain sad happenings… and we’ve barely begun the year!  I can tell this is going to be quite a packed year.  There’s even a solar storm going on right now, reflecting the turbulence of our times, I believe… Yikes!

This happens to be Sanctity of Life week, with the unfortunate anniversary of Roe V. Wade on the 22nd, the March for Life yesterday, and the tension in the air the government actually ‘tries’ to take away organizations’ and churches’ freedom to practice their faiths in the areas regarding life in the womb.  What are we to do?

I normally don’t get very political on my blog, as I tend to go with my hubby’s view that ‘before Kingdoms change, men’s hearts must change’, even as we vote the closest way possible to protecting the lives of all our citizens.

One organization which we LOVE is ManhattanDeclaration.org.  They stand for values that we believe best reflect our original Forfathers’ intent when they founded our country of the United States.  For those reading around the world, their values best reflect what we believe best protect and build up the basic building block of society: the family.

This week, in honor of Sanctity of Life week, they offered a poetry contest asking:  why choose life?  I have written a poem which I would be honored to share with you!  And if you like it, please click the ‘little like button’ at the top of the poem!  Thank you so much!

My poem, The Gift Received, can be found here:

Blessings,

shalimamma

PS  That little bundle of joy at the top of this post?  That’s Miriam, who’s now almost 20 months old! 

Two Week Old Puppy…

One of 8 sweet pure bred pups born to one of our Great Pyrenees mamas!  This one is “Gracie”

“The Humble Babe’s Victory”

I know Christmas is over, but…

Is it?  He is born, He is a humble Babe, and although He sits at the Right Hand of the Father in Glory, He still reminds us every year of how He chose to come among us.  And isn’t He always being born anew in our hearts?

My little series on love and freedom would be incomplete without a poem I wrote during Advent of last year, when I realized the pride that had led me to where I was… and I realized the humility and sloppiness of the shepherds, to whom the Glorious Angels chose to appear and reveal the most amazing Truth… while the Pharisees most likely sat polishing their rings and bleaching their phylacteries.

The Baby Jesus came to us in a profound way this last Christmas… And being pregnant with a tumbling babe in my womb, the meaning if ‘his birth’ has an even greater and deeper impact.  And so, I would be honored to share with you my thoughts on His birth, which are not limited to Christmas, but will last for eternity…

Oh babe

in lowly cave

so accessible, approachable…

I thought I could

capture you

contain you

in my tiny manger of my ideas.

 

I thought you were to be found

in only one place

in one small way

I had the secret

and I was elite

and I had found ‘your prophet’

who said I was one of five favored…

 

How my pride secretly grew

and led me down a path

a clever one (of destruction)

the pride of those who are chosen

not the pride of those indifferent ones

 

… but pride nonetheless…

 

I thought I was too good for imperfect shepherds

and following sheep

who were sloppy, but saw angels, and quickly believed

and there you were

here you are

sweet babe

kicking in the womb

of my heart

saying ‘Stop worshipping man

but come to ME!’

and You broke the chains

once again

once again

and here we are

You and me

in simple cave

with mystery

(incomprehensible, humble) for everyone

and freeing me

from satan’s tyranny.

 

Rejoice, my soul…

Rejoice!

“Birth of Humble Victory” by Shalimar Masters

Copyright 2011

Time for some pictures! …Christmas 2011

I’m just getting around to uploading some pictures from Christmas… Enjoy! 

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The End… Whose Opinion Truly Counts

My friends, I thought the proper conclusion to my series on Freedom and Friendship was a little poem about Our One True and Perfect Friend…  Thank you for journeying with me, and please stay in touch as we go on new adventures in life, hope, and victory!  Love, shalimamma

Again there she stood with glasses and braces,

uncontrollable hair and cumbersome graces.
So back to herself in that hall all alone
she set down her cup and turned to go home.

“Excuse me young lady,” the voice asked. “If I might, with permission of course, have the last dance tonight.”

“With me?” She asked startled, as she turned to the voice.
You must be mistaken. I’m an awful poor choice.

Who told you you’re awful?” He asked. “How do you know?”

“Can’t you see for yourself, the whole world tells me so.”

Then onto the dance floor walked the King as he said: “Would you like to my child, hear what I think instead?”
Then the hall filled with music as the king took her hand.

She asked “Your Majesty, please, I don’t understand?”

“I think you’re beautiful,” the King said as he smiled.
“I treasure you deeply. You’re lovely my child.
I think you’re beautiful – your hair and your braces,
your glasses and clothes your cumbersome graces.
And many more traits which I could speak of, there’s nothing about you I don’t truly love. You’re kind and you’re honest, funny and smart. You’re really quite charming you have a good heart.”

“Your majesty,” she asked as a tear came in view.
“I’d like to believe you, is that really true?”

“Of course it is true, every word that I say.
Daughter, I am the King. I made you that way.

I delight in your beauty, you’re wonderfully made.
I knew you before the foundation was laid.
You’re precious to me, every hair on your head,
daughter hear and believe.” The snoodle king said.

- Veggie Tale’s Snoodlerella.

Freedom and Joy in Friendship: A Tribute to YOU!!

And so, my friends, here we are… near the end of my little series…

This would be incomplete if I left out the rest of our loved ones, in addition to my amazing spouse and family, because you have CHOSEN to love and remain friends, completely freely, without being a relative and without obligation or commitment.

I believe this bible passage sums up better than I could the definition of true love and friendship:  “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails…” 1 Corinthians 12: 4 – 8

I want to take a little moment and spotlight you, the witnesses of victory in my life, and to tell you what I have observed in you that has inspired me.  I do not mean to embarrass  anyone in this post or any others… But the truth is the truth!

I am going to start with those who have been ‘vocal’ on my blog, and have been a source of wonderful support, and have shown their true friendship in their writings…

Hiland Rose: our relationship started out when we were (much) younger and it started out in a place where we were strained and needed to grow. Over time, I have come to see some qualities which have caused me to see God in a new light.  You contain incredible depths in your heart and soul, yet you also have a simple heart that does not seek powerful agenda. The suffering of others grieves you and causes you concern as if it were your own. You do not display envy, or competition, but are yourself. You are strong-willed and head strong, yet humble and willing to listen and absorb and learn. You love with a pure love. You are willing to admit fault, yet you are not a doormat for others to trample.  While you can have strong words (as I can as well), you have tempered them in a way that contains charity. You are willing to tell me the truth about myself, even the uncomfortable parts, but you don’t hold my ‘warts’ against me or keep a record of wrongs. You are extremely loyal to your friends and family and are willing to defend them if necessary. You are an example of a true friend, one who has stuck by me through the years, without counting the cost, and because we both overcame clashes in our personalities, our friendship has been forged in fire and I believe will last into eternity. Your greatest love is for God first, and neighbor second, authentically, without putting on airs of ‘holier than thou’… Your love for God is first and foremost why you are who you are, and I consider myself a millionaire to have your friendship in my treasure box.

Shari: I have known you for a while, and yet you are a newer friend, but an instant one because you also are not afraid of truth and rationality, yet you have a beautiful diplomacy and charity in your words. I can tell you think for yourself, and are not vengeful, and that you are striving for holiness. When a fellow friend is striving for true holiness, you almost can’t go wrong in this type of friendship. You show humility and humor, yet are also not a doormat. I can trust that you would tell me if I were out of line, but your reasons would be rational and out of love rather than because you think you are better than I am. You have much wisdom for your age. I hope to get to know you more… You have been such a blessing to have on my blog as a contributor, and someone in my life. 

Missy and Jeannette, I don’t know you in person, but I know if we lived close we would be friends… We have similar experiences, and although you are a little ahead of us in healing (it seems), Jeannette, I believe the three of us must have the same compassionate heart to be tempted with the same traps. Jeannette, I love how you speak with authority about what you know to be true, yet with a gentleness and non-condescending way. Missy, I love your humility and desire to heal, and your openness to the Holy Spirit in even stumbling across my blog. I believe it was no accident that the three of us found each other again through cyber space, and I would be honored to keep in touch

To the Sherman family, you are an example to me of being open in your suffering, and strength of character that doesn’t mess around . I always know where you stand, and I don’t sense that you walk around mad at the world or holding grudges, but that you live in the moment and are honest about whatever it is you are going through. You are very open to new relationships (not cliquish in the least) which is a beautiful quality of many people in the military. You are not apologetic in your beliefs or differences in opinion, but I get the feeling that your love for others would trump a difference in opinion as you both have deep sensitive hearts. While you are very head strong, you are also humble and non-judgmental of others’ families. I love that. I am blessed to know you.

As far as friends from the community we came from, I would like to mention a family who is incredibly and unusually pure-hearted, and dear and treasured friends of ours whom we have been blessed to know for quite some time. In their purity, they are rational and humorous, but do not will harm upon others, and have incredible class and the art of diplomacy. They are quick to include all within their fold of charity, because their goal is sainthood and eternity and not worldly recognition. These friends displayed a loyaty to us that was almost breathtaking and very healing for us. It was not blind foolish loyalty, but grounded in truth and always charitable. They are trustworthy and have never turned our own flaws against us.  We are eternally grateful for this family.

There is another family I wish to mention. They also belong to this community, and they have many beautiful qualities. At this time they do not feel comfortable talking to us, as they don’t trust us since we have left and since they also have a close relationship at this time with one of the ‘exhibits’ I mentioned. In their beautiful humility and generosity, they are more subject to influence, just as we were at one time. But we hope that someday soon we will be writing an update to this post that all is well. The reason I mention them is because they have been beautiful friends to us, and it just so happens we all came upon an unfortunate circumstance. But they also have qualities that I want to mention. They are patient and kind and without envy. They are incredibly generous, and they are selfless in their friendships. They give when they themselves are struggling, and they are also willing to be in friendships with those that may be more difficult to love. They are very trusting in God. In friendship, they listened and supported us during our struggles, and maintained a sense of humor as well as a keen sense of reality. In other words, you felt like you could share just about anything with them and not be shunned. We are grateful for the significant role they played in our lives, and we miss them and pray for them.

I would mention last of all qualities that I see as the main qualities of our other beautiful friends who are treasures in our lives: joyful, non-gossipy, uplifting, assume the best in us and our intentions, do not keep a ‘record of wrongs’ or hold grudges, generous, honest, balanced in most areas of life, striving for holiness, humble yet confident, have the ability to laugh and have fun, living within God’s will for them, wishing the best for each other, not envious of others’ blessings, compassionate, not needy or co-dependent, not possessive, non-cult-like mentality/i.e. they think for themselves and seek truth, seek healing if it is needed, quick to apologize and forgive, open to new ideas and flexible, willingness to learn, passionate about things that are important in life, love of God above all things and neighbor as themselves, love themselves and can receive love, non-critical attitude, are contributing their gifts and talents to the community cheerfully, not clique-like, rational, mutually give to each other and enjoy each other’s company, and are friends because we have been called together by God…

If you are our friends, you have these qualities!  And I am striving to have all of these qualities because of your beautiful example!

Aren’t we blessed?  I do not pretend to be deserving of such treasure, yet that is how God’s love is.  We cannot do anything to ‘deserve’ his abundance and love… we just must say ‘thank you’…

And that is what I want to say to you, my friends: THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.  You are a treasure beyond words, beyond money or any material good, or any position of power and influence, or earthly advantage.  You have helped me grow in ways that I cannot even express… you have shown me who I am, and you have shown me a reflection of who God is.

I thank you for journeying with me this far, and in my next post I will conclude with a beautiful little meditation that touched my heart, and summed up for me ‘what it’s all about’…

All my love,

shalimamma

 

Freedom and Joy in Real Friendship… A Miracle

And so now to my hubby… and a miracle.

I am going to TRY not to make this a gush fest (eeewww!) because both of us will need to start a nice heated fight just undo the gushiness if I go too far.

But let me say this: my husband became my best friend in a new way on November 20, 2011.  Yeah, I even remember the date.  And that’s unusual for me.

You may recall a little story that was rather climactic in my experience with a particular group of people we knew in a particular basement, which led to our realizing that we needed to be freed from a particular way of thinking.  I mentioned how my hubby defended us and ‘got us out of there’… but there was much more to that story.

What happened that day was nothing short of miraculous.

If you read the previous post and clicked on the link about temperaments, or if you know them, my hubby is a classic ‘phlegmatic sanguine’… peaceful, non-confrontational, enjoys people, introverted, joyful… emphasis on the non-confrontational.  In the over 13 years of our marriage, when there was a conflict of almost any kind, I was the one who generally defended our family, be it in business, in friendships, in family… I was the one who would ‘get on the phone and chew out that phone company for accidentally shutting down our phone line in the middle of a busy work day.’  I was the one who ‘sought spiritual direction for the direction of our whole family’, I led us to where we lived, where we went to church, how we raised our kids, how we schooled them, how we spent our money.  And he seemed to be pretty content with this arrangement… and I thought I was too.

When I hit my bout of depression in October after we had first ‘been shunned by those we loved’, I noticed that I had regressed into behaviors that previously I thought I had conquered.  I didn’t desire to live, I felt abandoned by God and loved ones, and I became tempted with self-harm (something I struggled with as a child).

And then a ‘flag’ went up… I thought, what on earth is happening here?  Why am I reacting so strongly?  Why can’t I just get over it?  What is WRONG with me?

An email video mysteriously ended up in my inbox.  It was about the roots of why we might be depressed, and why we might be repeating the cycle in toxic relationships that may have started way back in our childhood.  As I watched the video, I began crying, and beginning to identify what was deeper, much deeper than what happened to us in the toxic group.  I discovered something within myself that had not been healed, something within my marriage that I didn’t know existed.

I simply wanted, for all these years, to be defended.

I had taken on the role of Eve, facing our dragons head on. But in the end, I had taken upon my shoulders what was not mine to take.  It was my man’s.  And I needed to let him fight the battle.  I needed to step back…

I told him of my discovery.

In the past, our conversations hadn’t always been all that healthy.  I had a more critical mindset and approached subjects confrontationally, which of course, made him want to stick around for about 30 seconds.  He would go silent.  I would get angry… And with the last year we were involved in ‘the group’, our tensions were only rising steadily, rather than disippating .  The pressure from the group, and to live up to others’ standards, to be who we were not, to try to avoid criticism… these were eating away at our marriage more quickly than past financial difficulties had.   I just hadn’t noticed, until that day when I realized that my psyche had taken too much and that we had gone too far down the road of dysfunction, and I poured out my heart to my husband.

He listened.  He truly listened.  He took in what I was saying, and it was as if a lightbulb went on for him, and me…

And on the 20th of November, my husband got in between me and the ‘dragon’, for the first time in our marriage that I can recall, at least so dramatically, and he protected me.  He raised his voice.  He spoke with authority.

And something changed… our marriage had a significant healing that day.  For the first time, I felt like I was a real wife, being in the role God meant for me, and Corey was a real husband, as God intended.

And so, Mrs Exhibit B, I cannot thank you enough.  While the enemy was trying to use you to upset our peace and accuse us, God actually took over and was using you as HIS instrument of healing for us!  Isn’t that glorious?!  I literally want to send you flowers!    Yes, God ALWAYS turns was is intended for evil into GOOD.  And His way in this incident was certainly mysterious… but it snapped us into shape quickly, and provided a healing we didn’t even know to ask for.

This is the next quality I wish to illustrate: the willingness to protect, to be loyal, to stand between the enemy and our loved one, to die to ourselves and ‘give our life for our friend’…  this quality is the making of a true friend, even a spouse.  This is courage and true friendship, and if you find a friend who loves you in this way, they are indeed a treasure.  As true friends, we feel each other’s pains, each other’s joys, and we naturally do not want them to come to harm… we wish the ultimate best for them.

Aside from my husband’s unwavering loyalty (despite my very wavering moods at times ) and his courage and will for my ‘best good’… he has another quality which I think is also vital in healthy friendships.  He is a person of JOY.

Remember ‘sad’, my friends?  She is not a person of deep joy (but there’s still time for all of us!)… and neither was I.  My hubby taught me to look at the glass as half-full, to the point where many times I accused him of being ridiculous and “Polyanna-like”…  But after his relentless joy and a positive attitude, I began to see the contrast with others in my life who were always raining on every parade.  The misery of some of those friends became even more obvious, especially in light of the husband I have been blessed with.

Now, I do tend to be more of a realist, and sometimes I have to remind hubby to come down from the clouds and live with the rest of us as we deal with real life.  That is where we balance each other out.  But I have learned from him a skill… look for the good.  That doesn’t mean we don’t grieve, have down days, or get mad.  It doesn’t mean we act like we are on a happy pill.  It doesn’t mean we don’t experience deep suffering.

It means we have an attitude of joy… I have had to act like I was joyful when I was not… and you know what?  It started to take!

A true friend will leave you feeling joyful.

And so, my hubby, I have you to thank for giving me an attitude to aim for, and for being there to face the dragon for me…

And before I get gushy (and we end up with child #9), I will move on to my next posting: a tribute to YOU!!!!!

(Love, shalimamma)

Freedom and Joy in REAL Friendship… The beginning of the conclusion…

I’ve always envied my sister for something…

In a good way, really, but still…

She seemed to always have amazing friends.  At some point, I think I began ‘stealing’ them , or latching on as a ‘friend of a friend’ to get in on whoever the amazing friend was at the time.  Of course, I never stopped to analyze why she had this knack… could it be that she was much more healthy in herself than I was in the friendship department?

Although my sister is humble and might be quick to not attribute good friendships to her own level of health, I would say ‘yes’… and I find it interesting that now, looking back, I can see healthy trends in those young ladies that I never noticed before, or at least healthy trends in the relationships themselves.  It takes two to tango, as they say, and so the question has been for me, throughout the last year: why was my sister showing a consistent pattern of healthy friendships, while I was still finding myself getting consistently caught up in toxic relationships?  Why was I drawn to people that treated me with disrespect, or turned my own weaknesses against me for their own feeling of superiority?  Could it be that the ‘two of us were tangoing’ in the same weakness, although one was more the perpetrator and one was more the victim?

I think the main answer to these questions is that I didn’t notice the trend before, and lacked some self-awareness… but awareness is over half the battle.  Once my eyes were opened to the extremes that these relationships exhibited last year, I could all of a sudden ‘see’ everywhere else I had allowed myself to drink poison, and how I had fallen rather innocently into toxic relationships that wouldn’t change.

I say ‘wouldn’t change’, because I have also noticed that some relationships can start off toxic, but have healing and growth, where both parties are willing to give in, forgive, and strive for the betterment of themselves and the other…  Some of my closest and dearest relationships are ones where we both ‘overcame’ our own weaknesses and worked through forgiveness and understanding.  These relationships have been forged in fire and are the very people who helped formed me the most.

It is when someone is toxic and won’t change, or won’t listen to your pleas to ‘work something out’, or can’t ‘receive what you say in humility’… this is the type of relationship that I believe our lives are too short to hang around for.   And once I truly realized this truth, and let go of my feeling of co-dependence to please those who treated me disrespectfully or uncharitably, I felt free indeed…

You could say that what happened last year, when those we least expected, those in our very own church and community, those whom we had defined in our hearts as ‘good and holy and trustworthy’, became hostile toward us in a way we had never before experienced, was a ‘severe mercy from God’ that He used to shed light on something that before went unnoticed, or remained more mysterious and beneath the surface.

And so, once I was freed and the truth was exposed, I began to think, who ARE those whom I should be in friendships with?  What are THEIR traits?

Just as I saw trends of toxicity, I saw many more trends of health and beauty… I just hadn’t been as aware of them before…  And I realized, I would get much further in life focussing on those I admire, those who help me grow in a positive way, who are enjoyable to be with, rather than whom I should avoid…

I mentioned temperaments in my last posting, not to pick on any temperament or personality, but to illustrate that the toxicity actually ISN’T to be blamed on any one temperament.  In fact, many of those whom I am closest to actually have similar temperament combinations as my “three exhibits’ of toxicity.  When anyone with any personality strives for holiness (growth towards God and love of neighbor), humility, and health, we begin to exhibit the best parts of our temperaments.  I have also seen in some of our previous friends where temperaments have been used as an excuse for certain behaviors, with the focus being put on ‘tendency’ rather than our own free will to grow and change and be formed.  People, and myself included, have ‘let themselves off the hook’ by saying they are ‘just that way’ and then they stay there instead of growing… I have also seen where people can grossly ‘misdiagnose’ themselves and others and even cheat themselves out of knowing who they really are.  We have found this rather comical actually, when someone thinks they have strengths and faults that are more what they WISH they were, instead of who they really are… so they end up living in a fantasy world and deceiving themselves.  Perhaps we can all do this to an extent, although I think the best course is to not focus so much on our tendencies and temperaments (past using knowledge of them as a helpful tool for growing or understanding others), but on our goals and desires for how we can better love God and our neighbor… that way we get the focus off ourselves and onto where it should be…

(This link is very helpful to understand the Four Temperaments I am referring to…)

And so I don’t mind whatever personality you are.  God created all of them.  And we can be compatible with all of them… some require more patience for us than others depending on our own personalities, but this is good because we help each other grow!

My family, meaning my parents and siblings, are a wonderful combination of more ‘choleric’ and ‘melancholy’ than any other temperament.  I love them more than I can describe in words… they consist of humble cholerics, joyful melancholies, strong phlegmatics, and disciplined sanguines… While we all have to work on our weaknesses, when we strive to be holy, we become ‘the best we can be’, and a blessing to many…

My family (parents and siblings) are the first example I would like to ‘Exhibit’ as ‘who has shown me what it is to truly love and be loved.’

How we are today in relationship as a family did not come easily and without effort.  We have grown together through hardship, illness (both mental and physical), clashes, misunderstandings, immaturity (in my case), and faith crises.  But we stuck it out… Our relationships are safe.  If we have a concern, we are free to voice it without being held hostage with ‘if I say this, they will never speak to me again’.  There is an unspoken commitment that our love for each other goes beyond the bounds of disillusionment or disagreements.  We love each other for who we are, no matter how different we are, just because of love itself, and not because any of us deserve it or because we ‘make each other feel good’ or because we just get along so terrifically…

This is the first quality I believe is necessary in a good and healthy friendship: We love each other simply because we are all, each of us, worthy of love just by being alive and a Child of God.  There are no conditions on this love, even though we may hurt each other at times, or have some nice Italian fights and then of course seek forgiveness.  We don’t have ‘ultimatums,’ binding expectations, grudges, passive aggressiveness, and we don’t seek to harm to go ‘right for the jugular’ or stab each other’s hearts just because we can.  When all is said and done, we simply love each other, because our love is based in the eternal, and because we were loved first by God.  I have seen this beautiful quality in my extended family as well… people sticking it out after decades, loyal and loving, a reflection of a family joined by love, or should I say Love with a capital L.  This is what I believe is fundamental as the foundation for a true friendship: being loved for who you are, as you are, warts and all, even though at times you will challenge each other and help each other grow.

Up next: what I learned from my hubby, and then… a tribute to YOU, my faithful friends, and the beautiful qualities I have seen in you, to be posted for all to see

(If you send me chocolate, there is still time to get on my list.  )

(To be continued…)