My advice to this year’s graduates

I have two beautiful and amazing sisters who have graduated in the past two weeks. One graduated from college, the other from high school. I’ve listened to many, many, waaaay too many speeches in this time. It seems like every one had something wise to pass on to my dear sisters and their classmates. Well, now it’s my turn to give a commencement address. Buckle up, buttercup. This is profound.

Dear Graduates, friends, and family:

Today, you graduate. You move on to a brave new world of adventure. It’s an exciting time, and it’s a time that you’ve looked forward too for many years. Your teachers, parents, grandparents and friends will all have advice to give you but I believe that there is one piece of advice that trumps all the rest:

Remember who you are.

You are a special person. You are no longer an extension or reflection on your parents. You are now a reflection of yourself. Your professors are no longer responsible for teaching you. You are now responsible for identifying your own learning opportunities and growing from them. You and your friends are moving in different directions. Now, the collective opinion of your group should no longer factor into your decisions.

Remember who you are.

The great two by four of life is going to hit you. Most of the time, you’ll never see it coming. Get a helmet and prep yourself. These events will teach you and they will change you, but don’t lose sight of yourself. Do not let your life experiences dim the light in your eyes that you have now. You’re not going to like some people, some people are not going to like you, and some people who used to like you will no longer like you. It will be okay.

Remember who you are.

Remember the faith that your Church, family, and education have prepared you for. It is an integral part of who you are. Your faith will be tried and it will falter. It will be sorely challenged. However, don’t forget it and don’t forsake it.

Remember who you are.

Benedictine College Class of 2013
Go Ravens!

I believe that if you remember who you are, then you will be the best person that you can be. All of life’s changes and challenges can be overcome as long as you keep sight of yourself.  Don’t let people and circumstances overwhelm you. Be true to your faith, be true to your upbringing, be true to what you have learned and

Remember who you are.

You all are awesome. God bless you. Now, go out and rock the world!

Saint Mary’s High School
Once a Pirate, Always a Pirate!

No age limits on Morning after Pill…. WHAT!?

I am raging inside and sad, so sad for our country but I am not surprised in any way that this most recent blow to Life has struck. The FDA has recommended no age limit on the sale of emergency contraception. A judge is fighting restrictions put forth by congress to protect young women, girls really. The slippery slope is an avalanche! As a mother of one boy and four girls, I am terrified at the precedent this makes. Our legal system has no interest in protecting our children, it continues to enable sex crimes against young girls to go without detection more easily than ever before. It continues to force a wall between parents and their children when it comes to accountability for the life they take into their own hands.

When abortion was purely physician assisted, a girl needed to make an effort to go to the clinic, sign documentation and give her consent in writing. Parental notification laws were in place for minors in many states. Now, not so… she’ll just need to pop into the nearest drugstore, grocer or discount store with a pharmacy and pick up a pill without a prescription, to hide the fact she made a mistake or worse, to cover up a crime against her person by someone she fears. No parental notification, no paper trail, no way for anyone to have recourse on her behalf if something goes wrong.

Think about this…. FDA approved the morning after pill for girls as young as 15 (their idea of a compromise after push back from concerned members of Congress). I started my menstruation cycles at the tender age of 11, (five years before the “age of consent” in the state of Colorado) some girls start as early as 9, are they old enough to tolerate the after effects of a forced period and subsequent chemical abortion? What about bleeding risks or complications if the pill is taken too late because a teen doesn’t act quickly enough? No studies have been made to determine the full effects on an early pubescent girl, nor do we hear about what can happen to the body of a teenager who takes it while too far along.

I am not a stereotypical feminist but this is a blow to feminine dignity as well as to life in the womb….Doesn’t anyone see that this perpetuates a form of slavery? The sexual revolution forced women into an entirely different and more insidious form of oppression. We can vote, work and do most anything along side men but we gave up our dignity. We have chosen to allow men to treat us as sexual objects behind closed doors, to treat sex as a game, a tool, a pleasure experience only, because we want to control the very hormones and natural processes of conception, to have our cake and eat it too. We are more outspoken and willing to call out publicly degrading behaviors against women; but while popping birth control pills, using condoms, diaphragms and emergency contraception, we are enslaving our bodies in private and leaving men free to be non committal, irresponsible and cold-hearted. There is a phrase, “It was just sex.” It cuts me in two to hear those words.

I remember Safe Sex being taught as a way to reduce teen pregnancy rates (along with the rate of infection by std’s), but I always wondered, “Why avoid sexual exploration prior to the age of 18 if you don’t have to worry about the consequences?” (for the record, it did nothing to reduce the rates, it is now responsible for a sharp increase in out of wedlock births in women from 18-35) Now with the wider availability of abortion pills, there is no fear of being pregnant, just flash a photo id and bam, problem solved. Not old enough for an I.D? No big deal, sis, or mom or an older friend can just get it for you. It irks me to hear a mother interviewed on the evening news say she’s happy about this lifting of age restrictions, because if it was her daughter, she’d be grateful that she could take responsibility for her actions….(Sounds like Mom didn’t really want to know what her daughter was up to, and would be releived if she never found out.) What about teaching her daughter to save sex for marriage? What about teaching her daughter to take responsibility for her power over life and death for the child in her womb? What about teaching her daughter about the dignity of her femininity and the blessing of her fertility?

We have the power to pro-create life, and to end it… it is great power that must come with great responsibility. The convenience of emergency contraception is one more dark step down the path to ruin, for our nation,for humanity. Where do we stop?

Anti LGBT Bullying Awareness Campaign… Day of Silence 4/19/2013

I got an email from a friend warning me about a movement called “Day of Silence 2013″ suggesting I keep my son home that day. I find it ironic and a little sad that a day of student led protests is set to “call attention to anti-LGBT behavior.” Seeing as most districts in the country already are calling out all kinds of bullying and putting measures into place to correct this behavior, why does the LGBT community get a special day of student led disruptive protest?

We just heard of an epidemic of suicides of teenage girls whose sexual assaults at parties were paraded around on social media by their perpetrators. Cyber bullying is a much larger and more serious issue on all fronts. Sexual assault and child pornography are huge problems…. calling a spade a spade is the least of the issues threatening our teenagers! Speaking the truth often gets those of us brave enough to open our mouths labels like, bigot, chauvinist, backward, repressed, and old-fashioned (along with stupid, idiot axxhole etc. like everybody else) So, don’t we get a day too? Aren’t we a special interest group that deserves more attention? Parents Concerned With the Morality Being Taught to our Children? PCWMBT doesn’t quite have the same ring to it but why not?

I wrote a version of the following to my son’s school. The principal assured me that this protest would not be allowed on school grounds for my son’s junior high, and I believe her… I know our district is pretty strict about not allowing any student led activities outside charity projects and drunk driving awareness type causes. (free speech vs classroom disruption? Class room order wins. For now anyway.)

To the authorities, boards and organizations responsible for the education of my children,

I am withdrawing my son from class for the day of April 19th. He will return to class again on Monday April 22. I am taking this action because I am not in support of the hijacking of classrooms for the sake of pushing political agenda.

Although the “Day of Silence” is a “student led” event I do not believe the schools should allow this kind of demonstration on class time. We are constantly bombarded with political drama in the news, on the street and in every aspect of life. School time is too precious to waste. We don’t have enough instruction time as it is and the refusal by some students to take part in constructive and instructional conversation under the cover of “free speech” undermines the purpose of class instruction.

I am all for a healthy debate in the proper context of a social studies class related to current events, or an event held before or after school, even during lunch when it is the student’s time to do as they please, where participation is optional. The method of using silence for a political cause indicates an unwillingness to engage, further alienating participants as opposed to bringing people together. The mentality behind this smacks of “Shut up and leave me alone, I can do what ever I feel like.” It also forces students who disagree with the cause to deal with disruption, and their own negative feelings toward the issue which causes further distraction from class and the efforts of your wonderful teachers who only have a few hours a day to educate our children. This time of year it is even harder for children to stay focused on school work, and my son struggles especially with focus any time.

I am a huge proponent for our right to free speech, freedom of religion and the right to express those beliefs. There is a proper time and place to express our views; math class for example, isn’t one of them. As a Christian, my views on marriage, chastity and acknowledgment of sin and evil are not permitted on campus. Expression of my politically unpopular views on the sanctity of life is also forbidden by policy nation wide. It is sad that demonstrations on behalf of life in the womb, waiting for marriage for sex, and public prayer can be denied and restrained even if student led on student time on school property, but something promoting the protection of an immoral life style, confusion and heartbreak could be allowed on campus during instructional time. I can not in good conscience let this go. It is one sided and mocks the very basis of our belief in free speech. Is it free speech when only one side of an issue is permitted on campus? If you deny free speech to one group, you should equally discipline all of them. If you prefer to allow free speech, than you should allow it for all.

It is not hatred to speak the truth. Students should be instructed on responsibility along with their rights. There is so much emphasis on “my rights” but no thought to respecting the rights of others beside you, or the teacher who is trying to get you a good start in life. With freedom comes responsibility. My personal views aside, I would prefer to see the school keep politics out of instruction. Our teachers deserve the undivided attention of their students, and our students deserve the full dedication of our teachers to their education.

Thank you for your understanding in this matter.

A Fed up mom….

In the Spirit of Pope Francis’ call to let Easter change our hearts…..

Forgive me…

Forgive the wounds I cause to you
The silence that rends your heart.

Forgive the harsh words and quick temper,
The fear driven outburst that severs our bond.

Forgive me for being so stubborn,
For blocking my ears to what you really are trying to say.

Forgive me my hardness of heart,
My lack of faith that things can change.

Forgive me for those times I hesitate,
When I fail to do the things that say “I Love You.”

Forgive me for holing myself up away from the world,
For hiding in my self doubt and unworthiness.

Please forgive me for my Pride, that rules my fears
And drives you away.

Forgive me for forgetting to Love first…….

Introducing: Soul Gardening, a Mother’s Journal

A couple months ago, I received an email from a friend of a dear friend telling me about something called “Soul Gardening”, a publication that is “not your average magazine.”  For one, they offered to publish one of my poems (“The Day I Lost You… A Tribute to Lily and Her Generation“), and I was like, really??  That alone got my attention.  I thought maybe my friend of a friend was just being nice.

Weeks later, after I had kind of forgotten about the sweet email exchange with Ellie, I received a surprise three journals in the mail, with my little heartfelt poem towards the back of it.  But that wasn’t the kicker for me… What was amazing and refreshing was that it was made up of articles, poems, art, projects, and all kinds of fun tidbits… by people just like me.  Maybe even people like you.  Page after page made me smile even more, nod my head, and say to myself, ‘Yeah!  That’s what I go through, too!’  There’s something for everyone in there, and even more neat is that they welcome new contributers.  I love this about them.  I have always felt this way about my blog, that I didn’t want it to be a shalimamma-fest.  I wanted other perspectives and the riches that others bring to the table that I haven’t experienced, or that communicate to those I may not be able to.  This is what they do at Soul Gardening.  They welcome us, and you don’t get this feeling that unless you already have 6 New York Times Best Sellers, don’t even bother.  And that’s what makes their journals even more readable.

I also love the format.  It’s not some big glossy magazine… Each journal is a handy, realistic size, perfect for reading while you are sipping tea (if you get that kind of chance), or reading quickly in between getting the kids breakfast and then attempting to scarf something down yourself (MY experience).  You can tuck it in your purse.  And you can slowly peruse it and read an article a day (although I devoured it one sitting while hiding in my closet).

One last amazing thing about Soul Gardening… they are a MINISTRY!  They depend on donations to print journals, which tells me that their reason for existance is to enrich others’ lives and lift us mothers up without trying to dig into our pockets for their own profit.  This journal is for US, my friends.

So without further ado, here is the link to their site: www.SoulGardeningJournal.com.  Please visit them and see more of their samples of writings and more about their awesome mission.  I have included a sample of one of their articles below that resonates perfectly with me and the mission of Life Victorious…  Enjoy!

Love,

shalimamma

The Martyr’s Folly

This is directed to all you martyr types.  You know who you are.  You are the kind of woman who takes pride in being capable, industrious, and pulled together.  Yes, you can admit that you have your off days—like the rest of us—but you do your best to keep those to yourself for the most part.  After all, you wouldn’t want to burden anyone with your problems or put anyone out.  If you do an honest self examination, you may even detect a bit of an ego involved there;  you may want to appear to be organized, confident and strong, or worse—you may let others know (directly or indirectly) that you are struggling but you stalwartly refuse any offers of help.  You may sigh with a weary smile “God has certainly blessed me with a lot of crosses right now…”

Pity.  Now don’t get me wrong—the life of a Christian is destined to be filled with trials.  There’s no doubt about it; we are called to pick up our cross and follow after Him.  But I’m convinced that Christ didn’t intend for all of us to live independently of each other’s sorrows.  It seems that many women are trying too hard to live up to the “Superwoman” identity.  They think they should be able to do it all and they are failures if they cannot.  I know because I’ve been there.  We are the types who don’t allow the “something’s got to give” mentality in our homes.  We think we should be able to be excellent housekeepers, gourmet chefs, master educators, attentive nurses, efficient chauffeurs, doting wives, nurturing mothers, and prayerful Christians all at once… at the same time.  Even if I was missing a couple digits, I could count on one hand the number of times when I’ve achieved all of those titles in one day in almost ten years of married life.  Usually the reality is that something’s got to give.  And I’d wager that most of you agree that it’s unreasonable to expect a woman to be able to do everything.  We all know what it’s like to struggle with wearing many hats.  The trouble is that so many of us are reluctant or flat out refuse to ask for or even accept help that was genuinely offered.  We are martyrs!  We’re working off our purgatory time!  No one can take our crosses away from us!  We may not be able to do it all, but we sure aren’t going to dump our problems on anyone else!  Yes, my child is sick and clingy and I’ve got a fever myself and the dishes are backed up and there’s no food in the fridge with which to make dinner and Billy needs help with a science project that’s due tomorrow and my husband has no clean clothes to wear to work tomorrow but I do NOT need any help from you! No way, no how!

I can count three distinct tragedies that result from this mindset:

1) We don’t receive any help.  We allow the full weight of our trials to crush us down when it could be greatly alleviated by allowing someone to make us a meal, watch our children for an hour, or run to the grocery story to fetch a gallon of milk and some cough drops.

2) We deprive another person the opportunity for grace.  Why is it okay for us to practice the works of mercy, but never to allow ourselves to be in the position to receive charity?!  Most of us think people aren’t being sincere when they say “Well, let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”  Or “Call me if you need anything.”  And truthfully, while the sincerity is there, I do think many people say these things not expecting that you’ll take them up on it… because most of us would rather suffer silently than burden anyone else.  There is certainly merit to that to some degree.  But it is good for the sake of humility to allow someone the opportunity to be charitable.  Their own lives are sanctified by the actions they perform and we allow a good moment of self mortification to temper our pride.  Our children also get to see firsthand what it means to be a friend and to practice a corporal work of mercy.  It’s a win-win-win situation that we truly should allow for more often.

3) We close a door to bonding.  One of the few things the entire human race has in common is suffering. In one way or another, we all face hurdles in our lives and I believe that allowing others into an element of our suffering draws us close to each other.  Think of the people in your life who are the nearest and dearest to your heart.  These are the ones with whom you can share your heart.  These are the ones from whom you will accept an offer for supper or babysitting.  These are the ones you are comfortable letting know that you hurt and you struggle and you can’t do it all.  While discretion is important in all our relationships, and we certainly shouldn’t be vulnerable with everyone we meet, we do need to let our guard, our pride and our image down once in a while to let others share in our sufferings.  These are the spiritual works of mercy.  And the true blue kinds of friendships are built on the rocks of these types.  Women feel a connection with other women when they share their struggles.  We find encouragement knowing that Superwoman is just a character from a comic book.  It is both reaffirming to our own selves and a consolation to her that she can feel comfortable letting her hair down and admitting she does need help every now and again.

We are all sojourning together toward heaven.  When we are strong, we would do well to reach out to those who are weak.  When we are weak, we would do well to allow the strong to help us.  A dear friend once said the wisest thing to me that has comforted me greatly in many, many different situations:  “Even Jesus needed help carrying His cross.”  We cannot pretend to be greater than our Master…

-Ellie— who  will happily accept any offers to fold and put away her laundry.  It is one of her ‘somethings’ that usually has to give.

PS (added by shalimamma) This is EXACTLY where shalimamma needs help, too

A Blessed Easter to you! And an Easter Gift to Share…

Why an Eye for an Eye Doesn’t Work… and What Good Friday is all about

Oh, before I start, I should let you know, this article is a lesson for ME.  You may already know all of this.  It’s just that I passed another course in the School of Hard Knocks: Emphasis in Spirituality, and I was excited to share with you what I learned.

I’ve had a similar article brewing in my head for a while.  Actually, I have about a hundred brewing, but there’s that whole time thing.  This one was originally going to be more under a business/life heading, something about when to be a whistleblower, and when not to be.  But this last week, with the intensity heating up over marriage definitions, I flew into a Hard Knocks PhD class rather quickly when I opened my mouth.  This is a topic more violent than abortion, believe it or not.

I found myself shocked that people like me and my family disagreed with my views.  And like I have done before when I get shocked, I sometimes become reactionary.  Lesson #1: Do not be reactionary.  See it coming, keep your cool, respond kindly, but still stick courageously to the truth.

Now before I get to lesson #2, and the title of the post, I will give you a little background on myself.  I was born bold.   I was not afraid to point out wrongs when I was three and had already mastered the English language… probably to the exhaustion of my parents.  In school, I wasn’t afraid to raise my hand when something didn’t make sense, and I wasn’t afraid to protect a young girl who wasn’t my friend yet but was being bullied, therefore losing my ‘status’ in school for a good 7 years.  I became actively pro-life at 15, and then at 16 started the first Teens for Life in South Dakota, and worked with the few other freak adults who, like myself, stood for truth when most people didn’t care or see it as a big deal.  I wasn’t afraid to confront my pro-abortion principal at my (Catholic…ahem) high school to start a pro-life group there, again losing favor with her for myself and my family because we stood for truth.  You’d think they would have made us Catholics of the year for thinking pregnant mamas were carrying humans that should be protected…. but no.  It just wasn’t popular.

Basically I was born with a gift of being loyal and desiring justice for all, to the point where I have been willing to stick my neck out and pay the price to stand up for truth and justice.  However, all gifts can also be weaknesses, and can be used the wrong way or for the wrong purpose.   And of course, any gift void of love is quite useless in the end…

Fast forward to my adult life.  From standing up for teen chastity (because of my graduation from the Teen School of Hard Knocks) all the way to continuing pro-life work, all the way to advocating for charity and purity and unity within the Church, all the way to advocating for humility within certain home school groups and spiritual movements, and all the way to my debates of this last week on Facebook asking as charitably as I could for someone to explain to me their differing views, I am still standing up for my beliefs.  This blog is where I have come when I have become exhausted with trying to reason in different forums with those who just plain don’t like me or won’t listen to me or simply hate my views (mostly the case.)

Here’s where my mistake comes in.

Like other times in the past (previously outlined on this blog), sometimes I get attacked.  Out of the blue.  We’re going along just fine, and I think everything is dandy, and I’m engaging with someone in what I think is a great conversation, and then BAM!!!  They slam me with something nasty.  At first I get shocked.  Then I start to question them.  Then I get sad.  And then, from deep within me, a volcano starts to erupt…. and BAM!!!!  I hit ‘em back.  This is where the eye for an eye comes in.  They dished out their unfair challenge to me, so isn’t it fair for me to dish it right back?

Here’s the thing.  It would be, if I could stick with the issue.   But I can’t help it… I end up taking it personally, and because I am super perceptive of people, I end up dishing back more truth than anyone needed to hear.   Sure, it’s truth.  Sure, I can tell they are foaming at the mouth with disgust for either me or what I stand for.  Sure THEY can say anything.  But when Shalimamma dishes it back?  Oh the shock, oh the horror.  Complete with one or two friends emailing personally and saying a phrase that I heard in high school from that principal (who I still pray for): “CAN’T YOU JUST BEAR IT SILENTLY???”

I received one email like that yesterday, after I went at it on a debate and flustered the other person unknowingly.  A loyal friend said “Can’t you just bear it silently?”  Each and every time I have stood up for uncomfortable truth, there has always been one email in my box saying the exact same sentence.  Nevermind all the ones that say “You GO girl…”  This has gotten my attention… and this morning, I realized that there is truth in that sentence.    I would like to thank the well-meaning “choleric (always) loyal friend of the arguer” who has always sent me this type of message.  I have learned from this… and I want to share with you what I learned.  This leads to lesson #2…

Always and everywhere, we must stand up for the truth, even if it is uncomfortable or people hate it.  And by truth, I mean an issue is right or wrong… not a person…

My temptation is to get personal.  And while I may be ‘right’ (I didn’t make up that whole thing about life being sacred, and marriage being sacred, and love your neighbor), I am not all-knowing.  This is why an eye for an eye doesn’t work.  Each and every time I have been attacked and then I strike back personally (you’d think that was fair, right?), I have learned after the fact that the perpetrator was suffering with some secret worry or some secret disaster or some hidden illness.  Had I known about these things, I probably WOULD have remained silent and prayed for them.  I took their attack as “all is fair in love and war” and figured if they could dish it, they could take it.  I was wrong.  Think about it.  If someone comes at you with violence about whatever issue, what is prompting them?  Is it passion for the truth?  If it is, they will engage in a respectful dialog and want to learn more.  If they are not listening?  That’s your clue #1.  They are speaking out of their hurt and anguish, that even they may not be aware of.

Lesson #3: what if I am getting personal because of my OWN hurt?

And Lesson #4.  Jesus, the only One who was qualified to whistleblow all of my mistakes and sins from the cross, DIDN’T.  He said “Forgive them, Father, they know not what they do.”  Sure, He did point out the sins of the Pharisees and got REALLY personal.  But this brings me to Lesson #5:

If someone is causing scandal and is, or has the capability of, misleading many others, it then becomes appropriate to whistleblow and invite prayers for the individual or group.  This could be political leaders, Church leaders who oppose Christ’s teaching and are wolves among sheep, child predators, any kind of corrupted ’leader’… you get my drift.  There are times when I stood by good leaders and didn’t mind pointing out who NOT to follow.  I stand by that way of life, and I will continue, if I see many others being duped or harmed by someone.

However, my problem has been in exposing those who simply had a problem with ME, or one or two other people.  People with personal brokenness that I may or may not know of.

To the family that I mentioned yesterday, I apologize from the bottom of my heart if I hurt you while you were already hurting about something else.  To those I have mentioned before in posts where I got personal, and you weren’t misleading a bunch of others but were just broken like me, I ask for your forgiveness.  Yes, you may have hurt me deeply.  You may have gotten personal with me, slandering me, dumping me, defriending me (sorry, that actually makes me chuckle about Facebook )… whatever.  But my attempt at “an eye for an eye” was wrong of me, and it certainly was not the high road.  I am removing anything on this blog that gets personal where there is not public scandal.  While I have forgiven you, I pray that you can forgive me during this Holy Week.

To those I have mentioned that have caused scandal or cause harm on a regular basis to others, I pray for you, but I will not remove my exposition of truth until I know that you have changed your ways, even though most all of my posts are anonymous as far as whom they are about.  In those cases, I will NOT bear evil silently, because we are called to stand up for truth, not simply follow the sheeple and not love our neighbor with our indifference.

But as far as personal difficulties?  An eye for an eye doesn’t work… because we don’t know what that person is going through.  We can’t in most instances.  Maybe their grandmother is dying and they yell at you out of the blue.  Maybe they can’t conceive and you can and they are suffering and trying not to be envious, but it is eating them up inside, so they become irrational with you.  Maybe they are struggling financially and your post bragging about your fancy new car made them cry because they are struggling to put food on the table, and so they just remain silent and don’t talk with you.  Maybe, like me, they miscarried a baby quietly and their husband was furloughed, and they are feeling sorry for themselves and struggling with trust in God, as well as fighting the urge to be mad that no one seems to care.  Maybe they are going through depression…. who knows.  The fact is, we don’t know.  And sometimes, they don’t even know.

And so you are right, dear friends who rightly asked about silence.  I should remain silent when it comes to personal attacks on someone who may just be misguided or who is simply hurting or who simply disagrees with me, even if they attacked me first.  You are right.  I should rise above their behavior and love them back.  (And I assume, since you tell me to do this, you practice the same virtue as well, right? )

As far as those who asked me to be silent about evil, well, sorry, but I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request. (Means NO. )

And for all of us, let us take this Triduum to think about how our Lord never threw our sins in our face, when He has a total right to.  He has had mercy on us that we can barely comprehend.  My prayer is that we can extend that mercy to those who have hurt us, and to pray for them.

Afterall, and eye for an eye leaves us both blind…

Love,

shalimamma